Sugar and Spice

Tag: love

  • Dishonest Sugar Babies

    Of course, not all sugar babies are as honest and genuine as I am, and I’ve heard first-hand what some sugar babies will do; blackmailing their sugar daddies, asking for additional money, threatening to contact their family or place of work if they don’t get what they want etc. Or alternatively convincing their sugar daddies that what they have is ‘special’ and ‘different’ to their other arrangements in order to manipulate them. 

    It happens all the time, women taking advantage of sugar daddies who have more money than sense, are naive and vulnerable, or only thinking with their cocks.  

    One of my sugar daddies for example was conned out of thousands of pounds by a sugar baby who lied about the death of her disabled son, and being unable to cover funeral costs. Of course, it turned out to be a lie; her son was alive and well (having been taken away by social services), and the money was being spent on drugs. He totally fell for her sob story though and helped pay off her debts, although had to involve the police when dealers started turning up at his house threatening him for money; it got really messy.   

    Turns out she wasn’t even single as she’d claimed to be, but had a boyfriend the whole time, no doubt at home getting high whilst she was out conning men to feed their habit.  

    How he managed to get himself into that situation I’ll never know, but he’s still paying financially for his mistake having totally over-extended himself for someone who was taking advantage of him.  

    Obviously, whilst I felt sorry for him, I couldn’t help but think how incredibly stupid and naive he’d been. She saw him coming and milked him (behave) for every penny he had. 

    Another sugar daddy (who didn’t have a lot of money) had a similar experience with a sugar baby he believed he had something special with. He gave her money towards buying a horse because he thought she genuinely liked him and that what they had was special; he was rather hurt when he realised that wasn’t the case. She knew exactly what she was doing though. She saw an opportunity to play on the fact that he had feelings for her and used this to get what she wanted. Her name’s been mentioned by a few of my sugar daddies, she’s getting a reputation for leading men on and breaking their hearts. 

    Unfortunately, girls like her give sugar babies a bad name, and make us look like desperate money grabbing whores, when in reality most of us aren’t, we’re just normal decent people trying to make ends meet. Nurses trying to supplement their income, students trying to get through uni; or horny women like me who just love sex and money.  

    By its very nature, the whole sugar daddy/sugar baby arrangement leaves both parties at risk of being taken advantage of, and there are plenty of dishonest sugar babies out there, just as there are corrupt coppers, bent lawyers and dodgy builders. It’s not the job that’s the issue; it’s just human nature… give someone power and they’ll be tempted to abuse it (just look at our politicians).  

    Being somewhat an ‘underground’ profession doesn’t help either. Men who have been conned by sugar babies feel unable to go to the police, because they feel humiliated and embarrassed. One sugar daddy who paid a girl that did a runner before ‘putting out’, felt unable to tell anyone about it; what would he even say? He didn’t think the police would take him seriously, that he’d be laughed at; so he took the hit and moved on.  

    At the end of the day though it’s theft, and she shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it. If you paid a plumber upfront and they fucked off with your money you’d be pissed off, but at least you’d be able to tell someone about it; when there’s sex involved it’s dirty and shameful, and somehow different though.        

    One of my other (married) sugar daddies got into a very difficult situation with a sugar baby who was trying to blackmail him. He realised that he had no option but to pay her, however decided to write ‘blackmail’ as the payment reference. The money left his account but was flagged by her bank as a dodgy transaction, immediately freezing her accounts. She was absolutely fuming and gave him a load of abuse down the phone; but didn’t bother him for money again. 

    It frustrates me that this sort of thing goes on, but as easy as it is to place the blame fully on the women involved, I think men need to take some responsibility here. Honestly, some men are just asking for trouble, they see a pretty face (or a nice pair of tits) and everything else goes out the window; they leave themselves wide open. Worse than that, many of them don’t even care; they have so much money that it doesn’t matter. They’ll send money to women they’ve never met because they’re fed some sob story about the dishwasher breaking or the kids needing new shoes etc; and are stupid enough to fall for it. 

    Maybe I’m just bitter because I’m too honest to expect something for nothing so I’m here working like a bitch whilst they’re doing fuck all; or I’m just jealous because I’m not pretty enough to merely flutter my eyelashes at men to get money. 

    However women have been screwed over by men for centuries, so I don’t blame the odd one for seeking revenge and wanting to fuck men over; especially those who are asking for it… 

    Anyway, it goes without saying that I don’t know the women I’ve discussed in this blog, I can only relay the stories told to me by my sugar daddies. I don’t know their individual circumstances and what led to their behaviour. Obviously claiming that your child has died in order to scam someone is a fucked-up thing to do, but I don’t know the full story. You have to be pretty desperate or mentally ill to pull a stunt like that, so let’s try to show some compassion… 

    If you’re thinking about becoming a sugar daddy or paying a woman for sex, just be careful. Don’t allow loneliness, desperation or your ego to leave you vulnerable. Be realistic about the situation and what’s going on and try to think with your head rather than your heart (or your penis). 

    Being a sugar daddy can be a wonderful and very rewarding experience, and there are lots of lovely sexy sugar babies out there who are genuine and caring; you just have to find them. 

    Till next time, stay safe. 

    Emily-Rose xxx  

    For advice on reducing the risk of being blackmailed, check out this post

    Advice for sugar daddies who want to protect their identity and avoid being blackmailed 

  • Pubic Hair

    I didn’t realize how controversial (borderline offensive) pubic hair could be until I became a sex worker; it seems to be something that everyone has an opinion on though. 

    I personally don’t mind having pubes, left to my own devices I’ll leave them grow, and just trim them back when they get annoying or unruly; I certainly don’t feel the need to be clean shaven or even that tidy down there most of the time. However, as a sugar baby I have to consider my sugar daddies and what they want. Obviously, if the guy I’m seeing tonight wants a hair free pussy but the guy I’m seeing tomorrow prefers the natural look, then one of them is going to be disappointed; however, I try to accommodate their preferences when and where I can. 

    Before meeting me, sugar daddies will often ask what the situation is ‘down there’, as it’s clearly important to them. Most of the guys I see prefer a shaven pussy or a tidy landing strip, not many men want the natural look….  

    I personally blame the porn industry for this; men (especially younger men) being so used to seeing hairless or neatly trimmed pussies that they’ve become accustomed to this look and find the ‘au naturel’ look unattractive. Or maybe it’s just women like me who work in the sex industry that are expected to look a certain way…either way, it’s a pain in the ass.    

    One guy I met up with insisted that I be completely hairless down there (and everywhere else on my body) as he considered pubic hair to be unhygienic. He mentioned several times how disgusting pubic hair was, and how important it was for me to be completely hair free.  

    Now, I don’t mind guys having a preference, we all have preferences, but this guy was being obsessive about it, and I had to reassure him several times that I’d be ‘clean’ for him. 

    I don’t think he was that intelligent, so I wasn’t going to argue about it or point out that pubic hair is perfectly natural and not disgusting or unhygienic; I just got my razor out and dutifully did what I was told (as a sugar baby you have to pick your battles).  

    It pissed me off that I was being made to feel almost ashamed about something perfectly natural though, like I was in some way disgusting; unclean and unshaven. I was so annoyed by his ignorance that I did some research into pubes and why we have them, in case he kept going on about it and I needed to defend myself. 

    Anyway, it turns out that pubic hair serves many important functions, which is obvious when you think about it, as otherwise we wouldn’t have it. 

    Firstly, pubic hair acts as a barrier, trapping sweat, oils and bacteria that can cause irritation or infection, and can prevent the transmission of bacteria and other pathogens during sex. As well as protecting us (to some extent) against sexually transmitted infections, having pubic hair can also reduce the risk of UTIs, vaginitis and yeast infections (something for us ladies to consider). The sebaceous glands connected to the hair follicles also produce an oily substance that moisturizes our skin and protects it from bacterial and fungal infections. 

    As well as all this, pubic hair traps pheromones (which help us attract a mate); and reduces friction between our genitals during sex, and our clothing when we’re dressed. 

    So, as long as you wash regularly (and thoroughly), then having pubic hair is not disgusting or unhygienic; quite the opposite. 

    On the other hand, removing our pubes can result in skin irritation, redness and itching, as well as ingrown hairs; and increases the risk of infections and STIs, especially if you’ve managed to cut yourself in the process.  

    Then of course there’s the time, cost and energy that goes into doing all of this and maintaining the ‘hair free’ look, honestly, I don’t know why we bother… 

    Actually, I know exactly why we bother, it’s because the beauty industry makes us feel unattractive (or not good enough) in our natural state in order to sell us expensive and unnecessary products to make us feel better. Another example of our capitalist (patriarchal) society creating and then profiting from our insecurities (and vanity). 

    Anyway, I personally didn’t have much experience with going completely hairless until I became involved with a dominant sugar daddy who insisted I be perfectly smooth whenever we met; and would inspect my pussy to check I’d done the job properly. I’d be punished if I wasn’t up to his (very high) standards, so I had to seriously up my game, investing in an expensive razor, moisturizing cream and after care oil in order to avoid the dreaded razor burn and annoying ingrown hairs.  

    Fortunately, my arrangement with that particular sugar daddy didn’t last long, so I was able to relax my standards again, and not continuously obsess over my pubic hair. 

    As with a lot of these things, as soon as the pendulum swings too far in one direction it’s faced with resistance and swings back the other way. We’re seeing this in the younger generation and their resolve not to give in to societal and cultural pressure to shave everything, but to embrace (and even celebrate) their natural body hair.  

    I’d love to be able to join the movement and not worry about my own body hair, however whilst I’m a sugar baby and working with men who expect me to look a certain way, I feel under some pressure to conform. Although, having to shave every now and then to keep men happy is a small price to pay for doing a job I love, so I don’t mind. 

    Men obviously shave their pubes for ‘hygiene’ reasons too, although we all know it’s actually to make their cocks look bigger; like that’s fooling anyone… 

    Obviously, I’m not going to dictate what my men do down there, but I actually prefer the natural look, or at least a trimmed down version. For me, pubic hair is preferable to red pimple covered skin, which is often what I’m presented with when I go down on a man. 

    Hopefully this blog has been insightful, and you’ve learnt something… I guess the important message I want to get across is that you should do whatever you feel comfortable doing and not let society (or men) dictate how you wear your pubic hair. And if someone does try to shame you into shaving or waxing your pubes because they think it’s unhygienic, tell them they’re wrong (or better still, direct them to this blog); if they still insist on it then tell them to do one. Noone has the right to make you feel bad about your body or force you to change anything about the way you look. 

     Your hairy(ish) godmother, 

    Emily-Rose xxx 

  • Jealous and possessive sugar daddies

    If you’ve ever experienced jealousy or felt possessive over someone then you’ll understand what an all-consuming experience it can be; I should know, I’ve been there.  

    Of course, jealousy and possessiveness are often symptoms of insecurity and low self-esteem. For me certainly, my past issues around jealousy and possessiveness stemmed from not feeling good enough and a fear of being abandoned, which I’ve been working on… ‘you can’t love someone else until you love yourself’, etc.  

    Sugar daddies feeling jealous towards other men or becoming possessive over me is something I’ve had to deal with as a sugar baby, which I guess is to be expected. I mean, it can’t be easy seeing someone who’s involved with and having sex with other people; it’s bound to have a negative impact on some of the men I’m seeing. 

    Some sugar daddies can be quite possessive when we’re together in public, especially if I’m attracting attention from other men. Unfortunately though, when I’m all glammed up, other men will hit on me, especially if they don’t realise what the situation is and think they have a chance. That or they realise exactly what’s going on and think I’m open to negotiation… yes, I’ve had men offer me money to abandon a sugar daddy mid-date to be with them… obviously I’ve said no. 

    One of my sugar daddies (who was a bit of a knob) got around this by physically escorting me to and from the toilet every time I needed a pee. Apparently, he was protecting me (like I need protecting…) from unwanted comments, but in reality just wanted to show everyone in the pub that I was with him, a subtle (or not so subtle) ‘back off’ to other men. I guess I should’ve counted myself lucky he didn’t get his cock out and piss on me like a dog… 

    Talking of marking territory; another sugar daddy told me he’d like to inflict so much pain onto me as to mark me, like branding a steer with a hot iron, so that I (and everyone else) would know that I belonged to him.  

    Obviously, he’d never be in a position to do anything like that, nor would anyone else for that matter. I may occasionally wear a collar, but I’m not going to be branded like an animal.  

    I’ve had to end things with several sugar daddies who’ve become jealous or possessive to the extent that it’s had a detrimental impact on me or our arrangement. I’m not a possession to be owned, nor do I want to be. I have my limits and tolerate a lot, but if their behaviour becomes an issue then I have no choice but to end things, not just for my sake but for theirs. I have a duty of care over the men I’m involved with and can’t justify seeing someone if our arrangement is having a negative effect on their mental health or wellbeing; they may not want it to end, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. 

    Sugar daddies who don’t like sharing often prefer an exclusive arrangement, forbidding their sugar babies from dating or sleeping with other men. For some men it’s a deal breaker, and I’ve forfeited my fair share of business because I’ve been unable (or unwilling I suppose) to offer exclusivity. Although having said that, I’m sure lots of sugar babies are ‘exclusive’ with several men, but I’m too honest for that.  

    I’m not against having an exclusive arrangement per se, in many ways it’s very sensible, it just doesn’t make sense financially; I’ve yet to find one sugar daddy who can offer me enough to convince me to give up my other men. Although knowing me, I’d probably get bored and fuck someone else anyway; no point making promises I can’t keep. 

    Hypocritically, many of the sugar daddies who dislike the fact I see other men, have no issue fucking as many other women as they like. Unfortunately, there still seem to be double standards regarding the sexual behaviour of men and women; it being somewhat socially acceptable (even expected) for men to put it about, but somehow shameful or unfeminine for women to do the same.  

    I blame evolution for this, the idea that men being driven to pass on their genes needed to fuck as many women as possible, whilst making sure that women weren’t screwing other men behind their back. Unfortunately, there wasn’t such a thing as paternity tests back then and men couldn’t afford to waste energy and resources bringing up kids that weren’t theirs, hence why they became possessive over ‘their women’ and fought off other men who got too close (i.e. became possessive slut shaming arseholes).  

    In the animal kingdom they like to keep it simple; males fighting over mating rights, with only the strongest (i.e. the one with the best genes) getting to reproduce with multiple females, whilst the defeated males just sit in the corner cry wanking (I guess). Kind of makes sense… and everyone knows where they stand.  

    I’m glad we don’t go in for all that though… I mean, we wouldn’t get men to fight it out in some hunger games style situation, we’re too civilised for that. It would be some sort of democratic voting system; the cuntservices party versus the ‘let’s get you in labour’ party (sorry, sometimes this stuff just writes itself).  

    Whilst I wouldn’t kick Keir Starmer out of bed, I don’t think the world needs any more mini Boris Johnsons running around; as for the Americans, they’d be well and truly fucked… 

    Whilst evolutionarily speaking, jealousy and possessiveness over women may have been beneficial in the past, it has no place in our modern society. Men do not own women, nor do they need to protect them from the advances of other men; we’re more than capable of saying no (or yes if we want). Women should have the right to sleep around and play the field in the same way men do; no woman needs slut shaming into being a ‘one-man’ woman, especially by men who’d fuck anything with a pulse.    

    I’m happy to say that I don’t get jealous or feel possessive over any of my sugar daddies. I fully accept that they have wives and families, lives of their own, and are free to pursue other people.  

    I do get annoyed when other sugar babies come sniffing around my sugar daddies, especially if they’re easy to please and pay well, but that’s only because they’re in short supply and it’s a competitive market!  

    I still occasionally feel jealous; those feelings haven’t totally gone away but are triggered by different things now; such as women who look good without trying, families who are close, and loved up happy couples. I’m only human, and in moments of weakness and loneliness these things get to me; and I have to remind myself of how lucky I am, how much I have achieved and how much I have to be grateful for.  

    Emily-Rose xxx 

  • Orgasm inequality

    Orgasm inequality is a term I’ve come across (or not haha) a few times recently; another inequality to add to the list… Yay! It’s definitely a thing though, and something I experience regularly in both my personal life and as a sugar baby. 

    If you don’t know what orgasm inequality is, it’s a term used to describe the disparity in sexual satisfaction (or orgasming) during sexual encounters between straight men and women; the ‘orgasm gap’ so to speak. Straight men orgasming far more frequently than straight women during their sexual encounters.    

    Unfortunately, the majority of my sugar daddies don’t make me come, most don’t even get close. My sexual interactions with them are focused on them getting their needs met; which is fine as to be honest I wouldn’t want to come with most of them anyway, I can do that in my own time. My orgasms don’t pay the bills, theirs do… 

    Having said that, it’s nice when I do come across (excuse the pun) a sugar daddy who can fully satisfy me. I have a few regulars at the moment who know exactly what they’re doing and how to make me climax; which is a real bonus.  

    Obviously both men and women enjoy a good orgasm, so why is orgasm inequality a thing? Why aren’t women getting their needs met in the bedroom? 

    I think there are several reasons for this, maybe the most obvious being that women rarely orgasm through penetrative sex alone, most need direct clitoral or g-spot stimulation, or at the very least some decent foreplay before penetrative sex. Therefore, if you’re having a quicky, whilst the man will come, the woman is often left feeling frustrated. 

    Rather annoyingly, when men become sexually aroused, which seems to happen at the drop of a hat (or some panties) they’re driven to get their cock into somewhere (or something) warm and wet; once they’ve done this and shot their load, they’ve little motivation for anything else. As far as they’re concerned, they’ve reached the finish line, and ‘sexy time’ is over; if you haven’t climaxed during this time, you’re out of luck…  

    Whilst some men are conscious about a woman’s need for stimulation and will focus on giving pleasure before getting their end away, others seem to think that a quick fingering before entering with their cock is sufficient, which it really isn’t.  

    I’d love to say that this is because men are selfish arseholes who only care about their own needs, but I don’t believe that’s true (not of all of them anyway); in many cases I think they just don’t know any better. Men can be quite naive when it comes to what woman want and need in the bedroom, and it’s this lack of awareness and education around female sensuality and sexuality that’s often the issue. 

    To be fair on men, us women can be complicated when it comes to our orgasms; hampered by the fact that our erogenous zones are hidden away. Let’s face it, you can’t exactly miss an erect penis, but the clitoris and g-spot are slightly more elusive.  

    It can also take time for a woman’s orgasm to build, and most women need to feel comfortable and in the right place mentally before they can fully let go and experience an orgasm. Add this to the fact that all women like to be touched and achieve orgasm differently, and it’s no wonder men are struggling (and often just give up).  

    Women can feel self-conscious about the fact that their orgasms are not easily achieved, or in some situations not going to happen at all, and therefore resort to ‘faking it’ in order to take the pressure of themselves or their partner. I’ve been guilty of doing this on numerous occasions; I’ve faked orgasms because it’s easier than admitting to not having had one. I’ve also been guilty of letting men think I’ve come in order to protect their egos (I’m really good at faking it); but what are you supposed to say when a guy says ‘wow, you came so many times’ or asks how many times you climaxed… If it’s someone who’s paying me, or it’s a one-off thing then what’s the point in being honest and hurting their feelings; sometimes it’s easier just to lie. 

    Trouble is, by being dishonest, or disingenuous about our orgasms (or lack of), we aren’t helping the situation. Men can hardly remedy a problem they don’t know exists. How are men expected to learn how to satisfy us if we don’t speak up about what we need and let them know that our needs are not being met.   

    The traditional role of women as ‘care givers’, and nurturers has resulted in women being less likely to speak up about what they want in the bedroom though (and elsewhere for that matter) as it feels somehow selfish. We’ve been conditioned into believing that sex is about men ‘needing’ a physical release, and that our needs are somehow less important.  

    Indeed, if we think of sex as the means to reproduce and create new life, it’s essential for the man to orgasm and ejaculate, to release the sperm that will fertilize the egg. At no point does a woman need to orgasm in order to become pregnant. From a reproductive perspective therefore, the female orgasm is irrelevant… a nice to have rather than a necessity. Men’s orgasms are essential for the survival of the species, women’s are not… but that shouldn’t mean they get overlooked; especially when most of us, most of the time are having sex for pleasure rather than to reproduce anyway… 

    Throughout history, women’s needs have been chronically overlooked though, it’s only relatively recently (historically speaking) that female self-autonomy and empowerment have even been a thing. Our traditional patriarchal society has encouraged women to please and be pleasing to men in the bedroom (and out of it), leading to men (straight men anyway) becoming complacent and in some cases quite selfish. 

    I’ve certainly felt the need to please men in the bedroom, felt under pressure to make them come, and endeavored to do so regardless as to whether I’ve been enjoying the experience or not; I’m not sure I can say the same for any of the men I’ve been with though. When I go to bed with a man, I know he’s expecting an orgasm, so if that doesn’t happen, I can’t help but feel I’ve somehow failed at my job. Men can get quite sulky when they don’t get their ‘happy ending’…. 

    A lot of my brief personal encounters (one night’s stands etc) have been very similar to my encounters with my sugar daddies (i.e. they’ve come and I haven’t). My long-term relationships have been different though as I’ve not been afraid to ask for what I want and need; and both my significant others have been more than happy to make me come first when asked (yes, I trained them well). Even then, I didn’t request or expect to come every time we had sex, there were plenty of occasions where they came and I didn’t, because I can enjoy sex without having an orgasm, it’s not the be all and end all for me; and to be honest sometimes I’m not in the mood or just can’t be bothered. 

    We all know that honesty and communication are vital components in a relationship, but it’s especially important in the bedroom. If you’re harbouring resentment towards your partner for not meeting your needs or fulfilling you sexually, you need to ask yourself whether you’ve communicated this and given them the chance to put it right. So many women in long-term relationships are having unsatisfactory sex, I mean how many women are with men who don’t know how to give them pleasure? It’s no wonder women get bored of sex and see it as a chore.  

    As a woman it’s important to speak up about what you need, and remember that it’s ok to receive pleasure, it doesn’t make you selfish; we are not accessories in the bedroom or merely objects in which to come (they can get a sex doll if they want that). It’s up to us to take ownership over our bodies and ensure that we are getting the most from our sexual encounters; if men are being selfish then we need to call them out on it, if men don’t know what they are doing then we need to teach them, it’s no good bitching about it behind their backs, we need to be proactive if we want change.  

    Yes, it sucks that women have to fight for their orgasms, but then we’ve had to fight for everything else… If we’re going to fuck the patriarchy though, we might as well get as much enjoyment from it as possible. 

    To the men reading this, I hope this blog has made you think about your behaviour in the bedroom and inspired you to do better. I know you’re not all selfish lovers, but many of you are and unfortunately need reminding that sex isn’t all about you getting your end away.  

    If you don’t know what you’re doing or what your partner needs, don’t be afraid to ask. If we work together then maybe we can start to bridge the gap.  

    Emily-Rose xxx 

    For tips on how to make a woman come, check out this blog…

    Top tips on how to get a woman to orgasm (or at least this woman) 

  • Sex and intimacy in older age

    Older people are often overlooked in terms of their need for sexual and physical intimacy. I certainly assumed that people of a certain age no longer desired a physical connection, but as I’ve discovered, that’s not the case. Even if full sex is off the table (or bed), the desire for some kind of ‘fun’ or physical intimacy is often still there; in men anyway (I can’t talk for women). 

    We’re all familiar with the ‘dirty old man’ trope though, and mock older men who lust after younger women; but maybe we’re being unfair. I don’t think these men mean to come across as ‘dirty’, most of them (in my experience anyway) are just sexually frustrated or craving a physical connection; trying to reconnect with something they’ve lost or aren’t ready to let go of yet. I swear that the older men I’m involved with still think they’re randy teenagers and often behave as such; maybe they should know better, but I don’t think they can help it. Men are biologically programmed to be attracted to (and want to reproduce with) young fertile women after all, regardless of their own age… damn evolution. 

    It’s unfortunate when older men are no longer able to access the physical intimacy they need, but sadly it happens all the time; it’s less a case of not being able to ‘get it up’ but having nowhere to put it when they do…. 

    Take one of my sugar daddies in his mid-seventies for example. Whilst he’s living independently, he’s free to see and fuck me whenever he wants, but he’s struggling with his health so moving in with his daughter; which will be the end of our arrangement and his sex life. He can hardly tell his daughter he’s paying me to spend the night with him, she’d be horrified…  which is a shame as although he’s struggling to walk, his penis works fine, and he loves it when I ride him cowgirl style. 

    Someone told me the other day that there was a huge increase in cases of STIs during/after the pandemic in care homes (nothing to do with me, I promise). I’ve no idea whether that’s true or not, but if it is, it highlights the sexual needs of older people; as well as how boring and unstimulating lockdown was.  

    The first question I had on hearing this was ‘who are these horny old people having sex with’? I’d maybe wrongly assumed that older women weren’t as up for it as men, but perhaps I’m wrong (it’s happened before). My second question was ‘how can I get in on the action’… 

    That to one side, if you’re stuck in a care home and want to get your leg over, your options are limited, and I’m guessing that for a lot of people that’s the end of their sex life, and the end of any kind of physical or sexual intimacy. What if you don’t want it to be though? What if you still want and need sex or some kind of sexual stimulation? Shouldn’t that be something you have the right to? Care homes are hardly set up to cater for these needs though.  

    I suspect some men are getting their needs met through their carers, in what is hopefully a consensual agreement, though in some cases possibly not. Maybe some come to an arrangement and provide a service for money; others ‘help out’ because they get pleasure out of it or are sexually attracted to older people. Whatever the case, it’s hardly ideal… but better then nothing.   

    People in care homes don’t have the freedom that comes with living independently but imagine for a moment that they could see a sex worker if they wanted to. That a professional like me could pop in once a month (or week even) to spend time with them and give them what they need, wouldn’t that be great; may not necessarily be something sexual, could just be lying naked together, or being held, whatever it is they need but aren’t getting. It would certainly give them something to look forward to, help reduce loneliness, and I’d even go so far as to say increase not just their quality of life but their life expectancy too. If done properly, it could also reduce the risk of sexual abuse, which is undoubtedly an issue in some care homes. 

    It must be particularly difficult for those who lose their partner late in life, especially if they’ve been together for many years; losing the person they’ve been relying on to provide that physical intimacy and closeness, it must be something they really miss.  

    It’s not ‘the done thing’ to move on too quickly though, it’s seen as somehow disrespectful to the memory of the departed, yet if you’ve been enjoying a physical relationship, why wouldn’t you want to recreate that with someone else? Why shouldn’t someone in their 70s or 80’s be looking for a physical connection? To get back in the saddle and fuck like a randy teen? Are they really expected to spend the rest of their lives in mourning, remaining faithful to the memory of the one they’ve lost, ignoring their own needs.  

    A widower I was involved with certainly experienced this complicated mix of emotions; guilt for wanting to have sex and be physically intimate with someone, whilst at the same time worrying about what people would think if they found out. Feeling ashamed and confused by his desire for physical intimacy, despite it being a natural and understandable reaction. Feeling like he was in some way cheating on his late wife and disrespecting her memory; concerned about what his children would think if they found out.  

    It’s silly to think that you can’t be grieving, whilst also in need of physical intimacy, especially if that’s the very thing you’ve just lost. His involvement with me in no way diminished the love and commitment he had for his wife of 35 years (how could it); it helped him to process his loss though, and showed him that there is life after death (bad choice of words, but you know what I mean). 

    Whilst we talk about loneliness and lack of connection, especially in older people, we don’t discuss the importance of sex and physical intimacy, which are very much connected. Just think of all the endorphins that are released when we’re physically intimate with someone, it doesn’t even have to be a sexual thing; it can just be being held or having skin to skin contact with another human being, these are things we all crave no matter our age.  

    I’ve seen several men in their 70s and would never discriminate based on age. We all deserve to feel wanted and desired, and to feel the warmth of another human being, even if that’s just a hug.  

    I’m doing my bit anyway, one old man at a time…  

    Emily-Rose xxx 

  • Balancing sex and sanity: the mental health impacts of being a sugar baby.

    Being a sugar baby (like any job) can have a negative impact on your mental health, for not only can it be physically draining, but mentally and emotionally draining too. Whilst I enjoy what I do, at times I’ve definitely overextended myself, on a few occasions waking up with one man, seeing another in the afternoon, and going out with a third in the evening; great for the bank balance, but not my mental (or physical) health.  

    As an empathetic introvert (all be it a sociable one), I find it tiring being around people for too long; I’m someone who needs time and space to recover. I give so much of myself to my sugar daddies though, that if I’m not careful I’ve nothing left for myself.  

    Hopefully you realise that I’m not just a sexual outlet for many of my men, but also a confidante, a friend, a therapist etc; and that can be a lot, especially if one of them is going through a tough time. I have sugar daddies who experience anxiety, depression and loneliness, and open up to me because they simply have no one else to talk to; sugar daddies who are grieving or going through marriage breakups who need a sympathetic ear or shoulder to cry on. It’s my job to be strong and provide a safe place where my sugar daddies can talk openly about their feelings and not have to be the ‘stoic man’ society expects them to be; for many of my sugar daddies the ‘pillow talk’ is an essential part of the experience, equally as important as the sex. 

    The sugar baby/ sugar daddy dynamic is an interesting one, being a unique relationship that transcends conventionality. The intimate nature of the relationship requires a certain level of trust and vulnerability from both parties; and the unspoken rule that whatever happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom (unless your sugar baby blogs of course). It’s not surprising then that sugar babies often take on the role of therapist as well as sex buddy.  

    I really enjoy this side of the job though and get a lot of pleasure from making people feel good; whether that’s physically, mentally or emotionally, it doesn’t matter, it’s all connected.  

    When life is good, dealing with other peoples’ problems is easy, however there have been times over the last 4 years when I’ve had my own shit going on, which has been difficult. I’ve lost my job, been through bereavements and had to deal with illness in the family; but I’ve never stopped working.  

    Most of my sugar daddies are understanding, and I can talk to them when things are tough, however they’re not paying to hear my problems, or to spend time with someone who’s feeling sorry for themselves, so I never make a big deal of anything. There’ve been times when I’ve been exhausted and at the end of my tether yet still turned up with a smile on my face, determined to make sure that my sugar daddy has an enjoyable evening, and leaves feeling happy and satisfied.  

    Of course, if things are really bad I can cancel, but it’s very rare that I do so; I don’t like letting people down, plus it’s bad for business. Trust me, there are plenty of other sugar babies just waiting to swoop in and steal my men, so I need to be consistent and reliable.  

    There’s also the fact that if I don’t work, I don’t get paid. I don’t have the luxury of sick pay or compassionate leave, so I just have to suck it up and get on with it. I can afford to take it easy for a week if I need to, but I can’t afford to stop for long or lose too many clients. 

    You have to be thick-skinned to be a sugar baby, as you’re constantly opening yourself up to judgement and critique. Every time I meet a new client there’s the possibility that they won’t like me or will find me unattractive. As a sugar baby you’re selling a product, and that product is yourself; if they don’t like it, it’s difficult not to take it personally. In many ways it’s similar to dating, in that you’re constantly putting yourself out there at the risk of being shot down or rejected, which isn’t always great for your self-esteem.  

    A few of my sugar daddies think it’s ok to make negative comments about my body or appearance, pointing out if I’ve put on weight or I’m looking tired etc, which can be a little insensitive. I don’t always feel confident or attractive, so these comments can get to me if I’m not careful and I have to remind myself of my own worth, and the fact that I am more than just a body. 

    Being a sugar baby can also be quite an isolating and lonely experience, especially, if like me, you don’t know anyone else in the business. I’m guilty of avoiding certain social situations, preferring to keep myself to myself; because I’m avoiding being asked what I do for a living, which is often the first question people ask when you meet. It’s not because I’m particularly embarrassed or ashamed by what I do (as I’m not), but because I can’t be arsed to continuously explain how and why I got into this lifestyle, and deal with all the questions. As a result, I’ve become a bit socially awkward, finding it difficult to open-up and make connections, and have forfeited opportunities to make new friends; which has left me feeling even more isolated and lonely.  

    Working weekends and evenings doesn’t help either, as I often miss out on doing things with friends because I’m busy; in fact, sometimes I’m not even invited, because they just assume I’ll be working. To be fair, I don’t think they realise how lonely I am, they think I’m fine because I’m out with a sugar daddy; but it’s not the same. 

    Even when I’m with friends who know what I do, I find it difficult to talk about it as my life is so different from theirs; unless you’re a sugar baby it’s hard to understand what it’s like. Most of my friends think my job just involves going out and having a good time, they don’t see the other side of it. 

    As someone who’s struggled with depression since a teenager and been diagnosed with a personality disorder (BPD in case you’re wondering), I know how important it is to look after myself and my mental health. It’s especially important when you’re looking after other people; after all, you can’t draw from an empty well.  

    Being a sugar baby allows me to work around my mental health issues and low energy though (a common symptom of depression), and I’m getting better at listening to my body and recognising when I need to take a break and put myself first for a change.  

    I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m moaning about my job, because I love being a sugar baby and am in many ways happier now then I’ve ever been. Nothing in life is ever perfect though, and we all have to take the rough with the smooth.  

    Keep smiling.  

    Emily-Rose xxx  

    P.S I intend to write a separate blog at some point about borderline personality disorder and how that (subconsciously maybe) influenced my decision to become a sugar baby. It’s something that’s not really talked about and something I want to raise awareness of, but that’s for another day.   

  • Virgin Island: Trash TV or a must see?

    If you don’t know what Virgin Island is, it’s a ‘documentary’ broadcast on Channel 4 in the UK, following 12 virgins who are sent on a therapeutic retreat /intimacy bootcamp in order to overcome their intimacy anxiety. With help from sex and relationship experts and surrogate partners the virgins are able to explore their issues around physical intimacy; with the goal of overcoming them and ‘popping their cherry’. Spoiler alert, only one guy actually loses his virginity, but that’s by the by. 

    If you think this sounds like some trashy reality tv show where vulnerable adults are exploited for our entertainment, don’t worry I thought the same. However, having been told to watch it by a friend, and now having binged the whole series (it’s only 6 episodes), I’ve got to say that I really enjoyed it and found it surprisingly insightful.   

    It’s not all focussed around sex and becoming sexually active, the experts take a holistic (bigger picture) approach running workshops around shame, gender expression and body confidence, as well as practical workshops on basic biology and non-sexual touch etc.  

    Self-acceptance and letting go of negative self-image and self-talk are key to the process, the experts explaining that in order to receive and give pleasure, you need to be comfortable in your body and present in the moment.  

    Just as in other therapeutic settings, the therapists use unconditional positive regard to nurture acceptance; and support the virgins in reframing negative inner dialogue and exploring new experiences in a safe controlled environment (all be it whilst being filmed for tv).  

    Exposure to sexual intimacy is approached in a respectful and sensual way, the virgins encouraged to stay mindful during the experience, tuning into their partners energy, and listening to their body and what feels good; a challenge for many of the virgins who struggle with negative internal self-talk, hence why the work outside the bedroom is so important.  

    The journey of self-discovery that the group go on is beautiful to watch, the change in each of them visible as their confidence grows and they learn to feel comfortable in their bodies. Many of the virgins must confront past trauma and let go of unhelpful ways of thinking before being able to open up and fully embrace the experience, and a few of the virgins have major breakthroughs regarding their gender or sexual identity which they are able to share with the group; the way they encourage and support each other is really endearing. 

    Some of the work around shame and past experiences is emotional to watch but sensitively handled. The vulnerability displayed by the virgins shows enormous bravery and courage, and just how much they want to overcome their issues and become sexually active. Whilst only one achieves their ultimate goal, they all make real progress; from being naked in front of someone else for the first time, to figuring out who they are attracted too and how they want to show up in the bedroom, they all leave the island better equipped to lose their virginity when the time is right. 

    The surrogate partners who explore sexual intimacy in a physical, hands-on way with the virgins are just brilliant; incredibly caring, supportive and patient. It’s interesting to watch their relationships evolve with each of the virgins over the series, as it’s a complex dynamic and like any therapeutic relationship can have its challenges; as demonstrated in one rather cringeworthy session with one of the virgins. 

    It’s great to see how empowered the virgins feel after their sessions with their surrogates (when it goes well that is) and how much they appreciate everything that the surrogates are doing for them; which for many of the virgins feels pretty lifechanging.    

    In case you’re wondering, a surrogate partner is very much as it sounds, someone who steps in as a partner in order to practice/ role play doing all the things you would want to do with an actual partner. Which in the case of the virgins on the show includes getting naked, learning how to touch and pleasure another person, as well as receiving pleasure; all done in a safe, controlled environment where consent, communication and connection are key. 

    I was so inspired after watching the show that I looked into training programmes re becoming a surrogate partner myself, but the only specific training I could find was in America, and involved a five day in person workshop in San Francisco which I can’t afford to attend at the moment, so that’s that idea down the drain. 

    I did reach out to a woman in the UK who does surrogate partnering (amongst other things), she seemed lovely and is probably great at what she does; but admitted that she’s very much having to figure it out as she goes along. It’s not really a recognised thing over here, and therefore not regulated, meaning there’s nothing to stop me from just setting myself up as a surrogate partner, after all it’s not that different to what I’m doing half the time anyway. I don’t claim to be a therapist though, and working with vulnerable people can put you in a vulnerable situation yourself, especially if you’re on your own; hence why surrogate partners often work alongside a trained therapist. All it would take is for one person to accuse you of misconduct and you’d be fucked… 

    Would I take someone’s virginity though? Absolutely, it would be an honour and a privilege. I’d love to make someone’s first time special, something they can remember and cherish. Becoming sexually active and figuring out who you are in the bedroom is so empowering, and losing your virginity is just the start of an exciting adventure of discovery and pleasure; those first experiences can be crucial in shaping how you feel about sex and view yourself as a sexual being though, so ideally you want them to be positive..      

    The show got me reminiscing about losing my own virginity, although I hardly remember anything about it now, I couldn’t tell you where I was or what he was called, it was such a long time ago and I’ve probably blanked it out. I don’t think it was a particularly enjoyable experience though, there certainly wasn’t any love, compassion or connection involved; I’m not even sure it was something I wanted to happen. Being underage, drunk and with no self-esteem or self-respect, my virginity was very much something that was just taken from me with little thought, no doubt from some selfish guy who felt entitled to my body.  

    For many people losing their virginity is a special experience and rite of passage though, a sign of maturity and having reached adulthood; being unable to achieve this can therefore understandably have a huge impact on a person’s self-esteem and self-worth, as articulated very well by the virgins on the show.  

    Regardless of whether you’re a virgin or not, it’s likely you’ll get something from watching Virgin Island, and who knows, maybe it will inspire you to try something new. 

    If you want to check it out, the series can be found on 4OD, give it a watch and see what you think. 

    Emily-Rose xxx 

    P.S. Whilst I may not have fond memories of losing my virginity, losing my sugar baby virginity was a very different experience….read about it here if you’re interested…

    Losing my Sugar Baby virginity

  • Sugar Baby FAQs

    Whenever I meet someone and tell them I’m a sugar baby, they naturally have questions; which often include… 

    What is a sugar baby?  

    Typically, a sugar baby is a woman who spends time with men (usually older men) for financial support, money, mentorship or gifts. The arrangements vary but are always ‘mutually beneficial’; and whilst some sugar babies have just one sugar daddy, others like me are greedy and have several.  

    Physical intimacy is often involved, but not always, sometimes it’s just company and companionship that men are after (or so I’m told anyway). I happen to be physically intimate with all the men I’m involved with, but that doesn’t always mean sex, sometimes it’s holding hands and kissing; although most of my men like to fuck me if they can (because why wouldn’t they?).  

    As a sugar baby I consider myself to be a sex worker, as I have sex with men for money; however it’s so much more than just spreading my legs and letting men fuck me, I’m also a friend, a confidant, a therapist and whatever else they want to pay me to be…  

    How did you get into this type of work?  

    A combination of curiosity and red wine, with a little horniness and boredom thrown in. I’d heard about sugar babies and thought it would be a good way to meet interesting people and make a bit of money. I’d been in relationships with older men and enjoyed their company, I’m also someone who enjoys or ‘needs’ a lot of sex and appreciates male attention, and not adverse to a one-night stand. So, I made a profile to see what would happen, and the rest as they say is history.   

    Is being a sugar baby legal?  

    Yes, being paid for sex is legal in the UK, running a brothel or soliciting on street corners is not. Whilst being a sex worker may not be considered the most respectable profession, or a ‘real job’ by many, it’s perfectly legal and above board. 

    Where do you find your sugar daddies?  

    I have profiles on three online sites where sugar daddies and sugar babies connect. There are lots of sites if you just look; however, whilst some are transparent about what they are, others are less so… so you have to do your homework. You soon figure out which sites work best and how to weed out the serious sugar daddies from the time wasters (of which there are many).   

    How much do you charge?  

    People like to ask this question and are often surprised by the answer. It’s maybe not as much as you think, but I’m fairly confident that what I’m charging is the going rate for what I offer and where I am (geographically speaking).

    My current rates are £250 for an afternoon or evening session, and £300/£350 for overnight. I’m sure I could charge more if I were in London, or 10 years younger and a stone lighter, but I’m happy with what I charge, and like to think I’m good value for money; I certainly haven’t had any complaints… 

    Do you pay tax?  

    This is often the follow up to how much do you charge, but is normally phrased as ‘yeah, but you don’t pay tax on that, do you’, like I’m somehow above (or below) such things; which really annoys me. I’m sure lots of women doing this sort of thing don’t, but as this is my only source of income, and my only job, yeah, I declare my earnings and pay tax just like everyone else. I’m classed as self-employed, so complete a tax return and begrudgingly pay a shitload of my hard-earned money to HMRC.

    As someone who may one day want to borrow money or take out a mortgage, it’s in my interest to declare my income and play by the rules; plus, I wouldn’t last two minutes in prison.    

    Do your family know what you do, and what do they think about it?  

    Yes, my immediate family know, and the reactions have been mixed. I managed not to tell them for a few years, however once I went ‘full-time’ as a sugar baby it became harder to keep it a secret. I decided that I’d rather they hate me for being a sex worker then think I was an unemployed, lazy, good-for-nothing bum (I’m vain like that).

    My Mum was upset, even more so when I told her that I was writing a book about it, and said that it made her feel sick (we’re very different people). My Dad doesn’t really understand what the hell it is I do (despite me telling him), or what my book is about; as for blogging, he’s no idea what that is; which is probably just as well, as I’m sure he wouldn’t approve either. Don’t worry, I’m used to disappointing my parents, and was fully prepared for them to disown me, so the fact that they haven’t (yet) is a real bonus. 

    My teenage daughter is accepting of what I do, it doesn’t bother her that her Mum’s a sex worker; I guess for her it’s kind of normal now. I spare her the gory details, as no-one wants to hear about their parent’s sex life, but I’m honest with her, and open to answering any questions she may have. She loves the fact that I’m writing a book and representing an over-looked demographic; we’re all about diversity and inclusion and being who we want to be; it’s kind of our thing. 

    Do you worry about your safety?  

    Occasionally, but probably not as much as I should. I’ve never felt threatened or scared whilst working, but I’m one of those people who refuses to be ruled by fear and someone who’s prone to being reckless on occasions anyway. Maybe that makes me hedonistic and irresponsible, but oh well, no-ones perfect.

    Most of the men I work with are normal, decent people, who wouldn’t hurt me (not without my consent anyway). I’m selective about who I see though, and so far, have done a pretty good job of avoiding the less desirable characters on these sites; Trust me, I say “no” far more then I say “yes”. 

    Have you had any bad experiences?  

    I’m a firm believer that experiences are what you make of them, whether they’re ‘bad’ or not depends on how you choose to frame them. I’ve had plenty of less enjoyable experiences, but none that I would consider ‘bad’. Something going wrong is a ‘learning experience’, a disastrous date is just a funny story for another day etc. When things aren’t so good, or not going so well, I’m just grateful that it gives me something to write about; you can’t have the highs without the lows.

    Not all the guys I see are going to be ‘my cup of tea’, and I accept that; I spend time with men who annoy me, frustrate me, bore me etc, but ultimately, I’m choosing to work with them and could choose not to if I wanted.   

    How do you have sex with men you don’t fancy?  

    Quite easily actually. The fact that I’m being paid helps tremendously though, as it makes me feel sexy and desirable. I try to find something that I like about the other person, even just something small that I can focus on; it helps keep me present, and everyone has at least one redeeming feature or characteristic. If all else fails, I just close my eyes and think of the money or imagine I’m fucking someone else.

    Ugly men are often surprisingly good in bed though… 

    What about romantic relationships? How does that work with your job?   

    The answer to that is it doesn’t, or not for me anyway; I’ve never juggled the two. Other sugar babies do it, I know of sugar babies who are married or in open relationships, but I’m not sure that’s my style. I don’t think I’d want to be in a relationship whilst having sex with other men; I certainly wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a guy who was fucking other women…  

    When I first started doing sugar baby work, I wasn’t interested in being in a relationship, so it wasn’t an issue. Nearly four years later, I sometimes think it would be nice to have someone special in my life, but I can’t see that happening whilst things are as they are. Sometimes we make sacrifices for our jobs (careers), I guess this is mine. 

    If you have any questions, just write them in the comments, and maybe I’ll do a FAQ part 2.  

    Emily-Rose xxx 

    For the full story as to how I became a sugar baby, check out this blog. 

    How I came to be a Sugar Baby

  • My French Fancy

    One of my sugar daddies took me to the Moulin Rouge in Paris to celebrate our second anniversary. If you ever get the chance to go, please do, I can’t recommend it enough! It’s everything and more… stunning costumes and choreography, lavish over the top and ridiculously camp musical numbers, gorgeous women with exposed breasts, shapely bums and long legs… I love it! 

    Buzzing after the show we head out in search of a nightcap; passing a nearby strip club. Obviously, I’d never been to a place like this before, but drunk on champagne and super horny, I persuade my sugar daddy to take me in.  

    Inside is dark, and pretty empty; a bar to one side, a stage with a few poles in the middle, and private booths down the other. Two girls wearing just underwear are stood at the bar, and a group of guys are in the corner drinking, apart from that, there’s little else going on.  

    We get our complimentary champagne and sit by the stage, watching in anticipation, for something/ anything to happen. Eventually one of the girls disappears around the back and reappears on stage. Her song comes on, and she does her turn, removing her bra halfway through the routine, dancing topless in just a thong, suspender belt, stockings and heels.  

    Once done, she retrieves her bra, slips it back on and joins the other girl at the bar. At one point a third girl comes out of a private booth with an older gentleman, looking very pleased with himself; they talk and laugh whilst she walks him to the door and says goodnight.  

    After that the three girls take it in turns to work the pole, every 10 minutes or so; hanging out at the bar in-between, waiting for punters.  

    My favourite was the first one we saw, she has dark hair and dark skin, a gorgeous curvy body, and perfect pert breasts. I’m mesmerised every time she gets up to dance and she catches me looking, giving me a saucy smile each time our eyes meet. 

     During one of her breaks, she comes over, gesturing to the two of us and saying something in French; pointing in the direction of the private booths, obviously asking if we want to join her. My French is poor, so I don’t know what she’s saying, but understand that whatever she’s offering, it cost ‘cent Euros’.  

    My sugar daddy’s quick to say no, that we aren’t interested; so giving me a disappointed smile she returns to the bar. I want to go after her and tell her to take me, but instead turn to my sugar daddy, and much to his surprise ask if I can go by myself. I want to treat myself to something in Paris after all, so why not this experience; he can pay and take it off my bill when we get back. Slightly shocked he follows me to the bar, where he pays the ‘cent Euros’, and watches as I’m led by the hand to one of the private booths.  

    I have no idea what to expect, but to be honest I don’t care. I’m thinking there might be a pole, or she’ll give me a lap dance; but I won’t be allowed to touch; isn’t that the rule in these places? 

    The little room is small and separated from the rest of the place by a thick curtain; and there’s no pole, just a curved bouffon type thing. She sits me down and proceeds to lift up my dress and gently stroke between my legs; seeing that I’m enjoying the attention, she removes my knickers and begins to pleasure me with her tongue. She takes off her bra, allowing me to fondle and play with her breasts; and spreads her legs so that I can pull her knickers to one side, and caress her clit. Her breasts are bigger than mine, but feel real, her nipples are different too, larger and more erect; her skin is soft and smooth, and she smells like soap. At one point my fingers tentatively explore her vagina, only to find it blocked with what feels like (but surely isn’t) a champagne cork. Unable to explore any further, I focus on her clit, licking my fingers to make sure they’re nice and wet.  

    I’ve no idea how long we’re in there, it’s impossible to maintain any concept of time in these situations, however once our time’s up, she makes me presentable, before taking me back to my sugar daddy; who’s sitting where I left him, looking a bit anxious and uncomfortable. 

    During our time together we barely speak due to the language barrier (and the fact that her mouth was otherwise engaged) however it’s amazing how much you can communicate without saying a thing. At one point I do ask whether she enjoys her job, like I’m making a fricking Louis Theroux documentary or something. She obviously understood the question, as she said yes, but on reflection what else was she going to say; it was a stupid question. 

    As someone who’s paid for sex and sexual services, I’m glad that I’ve had this experience and been on the other side of things. I may not have realised what I was paying for at the time, but I enjoyed the experience and was happy to give her my money, and my custom. I don’t know her story, or why she’s doing what she’s doing, but I hope she doesn’t hate it and that the men running the place aren’t screwing her over (because undoubtedly, it’s the type of place that’s run by men). 

    My sugar daddy didn’t appreciate the experience so much and was annoyed that I’d gone in without him, which was unfair as he’d been fine about it at the time. He felt left out and had wanted to join us, but hadn’t been brave enough; basically, he fucked up and missed out… sucks to be him! 

    Anyway, he took me back to the Moulin Rouge the following year for my birthday and somehow we ended up in the same strip bar; but that’s a story for another day. 

    Until next time, 

    Emily-Rose xxx 

    For more girl-on-girl action, check out this blog….

    Three in the bed

  • Dating with a sucky attitude: why self-love comes first.

    Martin is the most negative and pessimistic person I’ve ever met, hence why I’ve nicknamed him ‘Eeyore’; although that seems unfair on Eeyore who’s a ray of sunshine in comparison and at least cute (man, I’m a bitch). 

    Anyway, Martin is fairly successful; owning his own business buying and selling luxury cars and is quite well-known and respected in the ‘car world’. He drives a nice car (obviously), wears designer clothes, is well travelled and not unattractive for his age. He’s single and wants to be in a relationship but struggling to find anyone suitable. He can’t be happy whilst he’s single, but can’t find anyone to make him happy because he’s too depressed (about being single), it’s a real catch 22.  

    Martin was married, but left his wife because he thought the grass was greener, which he now realises it isn’t. I think he saw other men with young attractive ‘trophy wives’ and thought he could have the same; only that hasn’t quite worked out; a lesson there for all middle-aged men … 

    Martin works from home most of the time, so doesn’t get the opportunity to meet people or socialise that often, which is unfortunate, but not uncommon; it makes it difficult to find love though… 

    I’ve suggested he find a hobby, join an organisation or club and get himself out there, but he just says he isn’t interested in or good at anything. On the rare occasion he’s made an effort, he hasn’t enjoyed it or liked any of the people, plus there’ve been no attractive single women… so no point.  

    I’ve suggested he get a pet to keep him company if he’s that lonely, but he doesn’t want the hassle. I’ve suggested putting energy into platonic friendships and creating a support network, getting to know people who may be able to introduce him to someone, I’ve suggested keeping a gratitude diary to focus on what he does have rather than what he doesn’t, so he doesn’t feel like he’s missing out. 

    I’ve even suggested that he go to his doctor for help, but he thinks they’ll just prescribe antidepressants and he doesn’t want to pop pills (or be happy apparently)… Basically, no matter what I suggest, he’ll find a reason why it won’t work, and insists that he’ll be sad and lonely forever; which with an attitude like that, is likely to be the case. 

     He occasionally pays women like me for their company, but that depresses him too, and he spends the whole time moaning about how he can’t find love and saying things like ‘you’re only here because I’m paying you’, which is true but not really the point.  

    I’ve tried to explain how he needs to learn to love himself before he can love someone else, but he just says that he doesn’t know how, and that he can’t be happy and love himself until he finds someone; and we just go round in circles. He’s basically waiting for someone else to come along and magically fix everything for him, which isn’t how life works (unfortunately). 

    He’s handed over thousands of pounds to professional matchmakers, but they haven’t had any success, as no-one they suggest is good enough, and he gets frustrated and ends up being rude to them.  

    He’s had counselling too, but that didn’t work either (obviously, because nothing does) and in the end even the counsellor gave up (the will to live probably) and told him that she couldn’t help him. It seems to me that he must just like being depressed, there’s no other explanation for his behaviour; he’s just one of those people who is only content when they have something to complain about and can wallow in self-pity….that or he doesn’t know how else to get attention. 

    For someone who’s desperate to be with someone, he’s surprisingly fussy and judgemental, and will write women off without giving them a chance because they’re not attractive enough, or he doesn’t like what they’re wearing etc. He’s set the bar so high that no-one is going to be good enough, but maybe that’s the point; as long as he pushes everyone away, he can’t get hurt…he can just be miserable (which seems to be where he’s comfortable). It’s frustrating because this is a man who could have it all…. the only thing stopping him is his shitty attitude and pessimistic outlook on life.  

    Although I’m still in touch with him, I rarely see him; which is just as well as it’s mentally draining spending time with him, and enough to make anyone feel depressed. Even messaging to arrange a date is hard work, so I don’t bother.   

    He’s still trawling the sugar daddy sites looking for love, and recently messaged another sugar baby with the opening line “I don’t expect you’ll even bother to read this message but…”; hardly an inspiring introduction to entice or attract a young lady, but one that sums him up perfectly.  

    I don’t want you to think that I’m shitting on someone with mental health issues here, because I know what it’s like to have depression, it’s something I’ve struggled with my entire life. What I can’t cope with is Martin’s victim mentality and learned helplessness; it’s very difficult to help someone like that, as unless they want to change, you’re just wasting your time. 

     Expecting someone to come into your life and magically make everything better is unrealistic and grossly unfair on the other person. Other people can help, support and guide you, but at the end of the day if you want to change your life, no-one else can do that for you; as tough as it is, you’ve just got to put the work in.  

    Remember that the longest and most important relationship you’ll ever have in life is the one you have with yourself, so invest in making that one a good one. 

    Advice for Martin, and anyone else in his situation 

    1. If you want to be in a relationship, be the sort of person that people will want to be in a relationship with; work on yourself and being the best person you can. Have hobbies and interest, be fun and interesting, invest in non-romantic relationships and learn how to be happy in your own skin. Don’t expect someone else to give you there all if you have nothing to offer in return. 
    1. Don’t put your whole life on hold until you’re in a relationship, don’t not do things just because you’re single. Get yourself out there and live your life, who knows when the right person may come along or how long you’ll be waiting. It’ll probably happen when you least expect it, so in the meantime, make the most of your life and don’t waste time pining over something you don’t have. 
    1. Be realistic about what sort of person will be attracted to you. We tend to couple up with people of a similar attractiveness/ successfulness to ourselves. Don’t waste time chasing people who are way out of your league, unless you really enjoy being rejected.  
    1. Accept the looks aren’t everything, so don’t be vain; a lasting successful relationship is not based on physical attraction alone. Be open minded about what you’re looking for as love can be found in unexpected places, and from unexpected people. 
    1. Accept that it’s not someone else’s responsibility to make you happy, or in some way ‘make you whole’, no-one with their shit together is going to be attracted to someone who is deeply unhappy or unsatisfied with their life. Unless you want to be rescued by a narcissist with a ‘hero complex’, learn to live with yourself and be happy on your own. 
    1. Don’t feel under pressure to be in a relationship just because everyone else is, or that’s what society expects (tells) you to do. Some people are more than happy on their own, and there are a lot of advantages to being single; there are worse things to be, I promise. 
    1. Whatever you do, don’t come across as desperate! People can sense desperation and will either a) find it grossly unattractive or b) see it as an opportunity to take advantage of or exploit you; neither of which are great. 

    Good luck! 

    Emily-Rose xxx 

    If you liked this blog, check out my blog on physical attraction

    Physical attraction