Saying goodbye

According to Elton John, “sorry seems to be the hardest word”, but he’s wrong, it’s actually goodbye. I’m quite good at saying sorry, being the fuck up that I am, I’ve had lots of practice; I’ve never been great at goodbyes though. As a child I’d get terribly upset when people left or things ended. I’d shut myself in my room, tears pouring down my face, or sit in the back of the car quietly sobbing whilst we drove home; everyone else able to appreciate what a lovely time they’d had, whilst my poor heart was breaking (yes, I was a sensitive and emotional child). 

As a sugar baby (and a slightly more emotionally stable adult) I’m fairly philosophical about my job, and the role I play in the lives of my sugar daddies; I know that my time with each of them is limited (I’m there for a good time, not a long time etc). All my arrangements have an expiry date, and at some point, must end.  

Several have already come and gone (literally and figuratively), and it doesn’t bother me; I’ve binned off men I dislike and had to end things with men who’ve become clingy or too emotionally involved. Shit happens… and I have no issue walking away from an arrangement if it’s no longer working; although when I do end things, I’ll do it via text or WhatsApp because I’m a wimp and hate confrontation. I spout some bullshit about how I’m not the best fit for them, or I want to cut back on what I’m doing and focus on other things, i.e. it’s not you it’s me… Honesty isn’t always the best policy, you never know when your paths may cross, especially in Cornwall where everyone’s either related or fucking (or both). 

Other arrangements simply fizzle out over time. If I like them (or they pay well) I’ll reach out a few times, but if I don’t get a response or can tell they’re no longer interested then I’ll archive our messages and move on; I don’t want to harass people, plus I’m not exactly short of men wanting to fuck me.  

I like it when things end that way, with no goodbye, just a drifting apart and passing of time. Having said that, occasionally you write off a sugar daddy only for them to reappear months (or even years later); you’re convinced they’ve died, and the next thing they’re messaging to arrange a date… it’s a bit of a mindfuck. 

Anyway, these goodbyes (or absence of) with sugar daddies don’t upset me, only once have I experienced an upsetting goodbye when one of my sugar daddies ended our arrangement (a most unusual occurrence); he properly dumped me….and in person too! Obviously, he didn’t want to, but was moving on (work wise) so had no choice. He took me out for a meal, for what we both knew would be the last time; he was really emotional and genuinely upset. There was talk of ‘chapters coming to an end’ and what a special experience it had been; how he’d never done anything like this before and wasn’t planning to again (being a married man).  

After our meal he drove me home and took me to bed where we had sex; deep, passionate sex. Then he got dressed, led me downstairs, and said his final goodbyes, before driving away, leaving me stood in the doorway in my dressing gown sobbing my heart out; I don’t know why but I was a wreck. 

Looking back now, it’s obvious that saying goodbye like this is triggering for me, and I wasn’t crying just because he’d ended things, but because hearing the door closing and listening to the car driving away opened a floodgate of painful memories of rejection and not feeling good enough, which I’d buried in my subconscious. In that moment I was a small child again, responding in the only way I knew how, to cry. Did I love this guy… no, of course not; did I want him to love me, absolutely not! We’d only met a handful of times; and only had sex twice… it really shouldn’t have been such an ordeal, yet somehow it was.  

Thankfully my emotions whilst being intense at times, are also quite fickle. I may have cried myself to sleep that night, but the next day I was back to my normal chirpy self; slightly annoyed that I’d lost a good sugar daddy, but grateful for the time we’d spent together.  

I think he on the other hand was left traumatised at having to leave me snotty nosed and bawling my eyes out whilst he drove away. I tried to reassure him that I was ok and just being silly; but I’m not sure he believed me.  

The funny thing is that a few months later he was back in Cornwall, so we resumed our arrangement; he just couldn’t stay away. We’re still very much involved and have been now for over 3 years, funny how things work out… 

I know that I can’t do this job forever, and at some point I’ll move on to other things. When the time comes to leave this all behind, I don’t want any big emotional goodbyes though, I don’t think I could cope; I’ll just disappear quietly into the night, and onto my next adventure. 

Emily-Rose xxx