If you don’t know what Virgin Island is, it’s a ‘documentary’ broadcast on Channel 4 in the UK, following 12 virgins who are sent on a therapeutic retreat /intimacy bootcamp in order to overcome their intimacy anxiety. With help from sex and relationship experts and surrogate partners the virgins are able to explore their issues around physical intimacy; with the goal of overcoming them and ‘popping their cherry’. Spoiler alert, only one guy actually loses his virginity, but that’s by the by.
If you think this sounds like some trashy reality tv show where vulnerable adults are exploited for our entertainment, don’t worry I thought the same. However, having been told to watch it by a friend, and now having binged the whole series (it’s only 6 episodes), I’ve got to say that I really enjoyed it and found it surprisingly insightful.
It’s not all focussed around sex and becoming sexually active, the experts take a holistic (bigger picture) approach running workshops around shame, gender expression and body confidence, as well as practical workshops on basic biology and non-sexual touch etc.
Self-acceptance and letting go of negative self-image and self-talk are key to the process, the experts explaining that in order to receive and give pleasure, you need to be comfortable in your body and present in the moment.
Just as in other therapeutic settings, the therapists use unconditional positive regard to nurture acceptance; and support the virgins in reframing negative inner dialogue and exploring new experiences in a safe controlled environment (all be it whilst being filmed for tv).
Exposure to sexual intimacy is approached in a respectful and sensual way, the virgins encouraged to stay mindful during the experience, tuning into their partners energy, and listening to their body and what feels good; a challenge for many of the virgins who struggle with negative internal self-talk, hence why the work outside the bedroom is so important.
The journey of self-discovery that the group go on is beautiful to watch, the change in each of them visible as their confidence grows and they learn to feel comfortable in their bodies. Many of the virgins must confront past trauma and let go of unhelpful ways of thinking before being able to open up and fully embrace the experience, and a few of the virgins have major breakthroughs regarding their gender or sexual identity which they are able to share with the group; the way they encourage and support each other is really endearing.
Some of the work around shame and past experiences is emotional to watch but sensitively handled. The vulnerability displayed by the virgins shows enormous bravery and courage, and just how much they want to overcome their issues and become sexually active. Whilst only one achieves their ultimate goal, they all make real progress; from being naked in front of someone else for the first time, to figuring out who they are attracted too and how they want to show up in the bedroom, they all leave the island better equipped to lose their virginity when the time is right.
The surrogate partners who explore sexual intimacy in a physical, hands-on way with the virgins are just brilliant; incredibly caring, supportive and patient. It’s interesting to watch their relationships evolve with each of the virgins over the series, as it’s a complex dynamic and like any therapeutic relationship can have its challenges; as demonstrated in one rather cringeworthy session with one of the virgins.
It’s great to see how empowered the virgins feel after their sessions with their surrogates (when it goes well that is) and how much they appreciate everything that the surrogates are doing for them; which for many of the virgins feels pretty lifechanging.
In case you’re wondering, a surrogate partner is very much as it sounds, someone who steps in as a partner in order to practice/ role play doing all the things you would want to do with an actual partner. Which in the case of the virgins on the show includes getting naked, learning how to touch and pleasure another person, as well as receiving pleasure; all done in a safe, controlled environment where consent, communication and connection are key.
I was so inspired after watching the show that I looked into training programmes re becoming a surrogate partner myself, but the only specific training I could find was in America, and involved a five day in person workshop in San Francisco which I can’t afford to attend at the moment, so that’s that idea down the drain.
I did reach out to a woman in the UK who does surrogate partnering (amongst other things), she seemed lovely and is probably great at what she does; but admitted that she’s very much having to figure it out as she goes along. It’s not really a recognised thing over here, and therefore not regulated, meaning there’s nothing to stop me from just setting myself up as a surrogate partner, after all it’s not that different to what I’m doing half the time anyway. I don’t claim to be a therapist though, and working with vulnerable people can put you in a vulnerable situation yourself, especially if you’re on your own; hence why surrogate partners often work alongside a trained therapist. All it would take is for one person to accuse you of misconduct and you’d be fucked…
Would I take someone’s virginity though? Absolutely, it would be an honour and a privilege. I’d love to make someone’s first time special, something they can remember and cherish. Becoming sexually active and figuring out who you are in the bedroom is so empowering, and losing your virginity is just the start of an exciting adventure of discovery and pleasure; those first experiences can be crucial in shaping how you feel about sex and view yourself as a sexual being though, so ideally you want them to be positive..
The show got me reminiscing about losing my own virginity, although I hardly remember anything about it now, I couldn’t tell you where I was or what he was called, it was such a long time ago and I’ve probably blanked it out. I don’t think it was a particularly enjoyable experience though, there certainly wasn’t any love, compassion or connection involved; I’m not even sure it was something I wanted to happen. Being underage, drunk and with no self-esteem or self-respect, my virginity was very much something that was just taken from me with little thought, no doubt from some selfish guy who felt entitled to my body.
For many people losing their virginity is a special experience and rite of passage though, a sign of maturity and having reached adulthood; being unable to achieve this can therefore understandably have a huge impact on a person’s self-esteem and self-worth, as articulated very well by the virgins on the show.
Regardless of whether you’re a virgin or not, it’s likely you’ll get something from watching Virgin Island, and who knows, maybe it will inspire you to try something new.
If you want to check it out, the series can be found on 4OD, give it a watch and see what you think.
Emily-Rose xxx
P.S. Whilst I may not have fond memories of losing my virginity, losing my sugar baby virginity was a very different experience….read about it here if you’re interested…
Sugar and Spice 