Sugar and Spice

Tag: Sex therapy

  • The Widower

    I met Gary on a beautiful warm October afternoon at a national trust property with picturesque gardens extending down to the river Helford. He was new to the whole sugar daddy thing, so we were meeting to discuss what he was looking for and whether it was something I could provide. I knew very little about Gary, so was curious to find out what had brought him to the site. 

    It was here, overlooking the river, that Gary explained how earlier that year he’d sadly and unexpectedly lost his wife. She’d become ill very suddenly, got a nasty infection and died. I don’t know how old she was, but Gary was only 58, so she can’t have been that old.  

    They’d been together since they were young, working hard to provide for their children; now was their time to relax and enjoy each other’s company, to retire and do all the things they’d wanted but never had time to do.  

    It’s difficult to know what to say when someone divulges something like this, what can you say? No words can take away the pain of such an enormous loss, so I just listened; being with him in that moment, holding space for his grief.  

    As we continued to explore the grounds, we spoke about lots of things, not just what he wanted and what he was looking for, but about life in general and how unpredictable and unfair it can be. As he’d been so vulnerable with me, I opened up and told him a little about my past, and how I’d ended up as a sugar baby; which isn’t something I normally do on a first meeting.  

    After our rather emotional walk we drove to a nearby pub for a drink. Gary had enjoyed our afternoon together and was keen to arrange a ‘proper’ meeting where we could get to know each other on a more intimate level. He was feeling guilty about wanting to see me and for having these feelings of lust and desire though, and was worried about what other people would think if they discovered that he was being intimate with another woman; especially his children who’d become very protective over him since losing their Mum. 

    He was frustrated having lost a huge part of his life, and although his friends and family had rallied around him, none of them had been able to provide the physical intimacy or closeness he was missing. Of course, Gary wanted to have sex again, but it was more than that, as it so often is; it’s lying in bed naked next to someone, feeling the warmth of their body against yours, holding hands, stroking someone’s hair, all the little intimate touches and gestures that you share with a lover. He wasn’t looking for his next great love, just someone to bring back some normality into his life. 

    Whilst sipping our drinks we discussed his sex-life with his wife, and how it had dried up (literally) when she went through the menopause; even before that though, it had all been very vanilla and boring. She didn’t like giving or receiving oral, and the few times she’d gone down on him it had been painful and unpleasant.  

    Gary loved his wife though and wouldn’t even have considered looking elsewhere for sex (unlike many married men in that situation). They didn’t talk about it and Gary never complained; the lack of sex was a small price to pay for what was otherwise a happy marriage. However here was a man who’d been given a second chance, and Gary was keen to explore new things in the bedroom and find out what he’d been missing. 

    He was curious and asked lots of questions, he wanted to understand what I liked and where he should start if he wanted to try something new. We talked about toys, bondage, role play etc; all the exciting things he’d yet to discover and which I was only too happy to explore with him.  

    I was impressed with Gary’s philosophy regarding what had happened to him. He wasn’t angry or bitter like lots of people would be in his situation; nor was he rolling over and giving up, despite the fact that his whole life had been turned upside down. No doubt he’d been through all the various stages of grief, but he’d come out the other side knowing that life is short and determined to make the most of it. 

    Do I think we will have challenges going forwards, yes of course. Gary’s not had sex for a few years, and the last time he did was with his wife; so, no doubt the first time will bring up some difficult emotions, but we can talk through them. I’m happy (as with all my men) to take it at his speed; and have reassured him that he’ll never be under pressure to do anything he’s not comfortable with.  

    It’s a sensitive situation, and I’m all too aware of the need to respect what’s happened; to allow him time and space to talk about his wife if he wants, whilst also providing a safe place to discover who he is without her, and what he wants as a widowed man. 

    I think Gary’s probably one of the nicest sugar daddies I’ve ever met; just a really kind and genuine man. He’s certainly too good to spend the rest of his life on his own and deserves a second chance at love. It’s not something he’s ready for yet though, it’s too soon to even consider getting involved with someone on a romantic level. Seeing me is an intermediate step, a chance to rediscover his sexual side, and build his confidence.  

    Hopefully by the time he’s ready to fly the nest (so to speak) he’ll have explored everything he wants and will be the confident sex God I know he can be; ready to make some lucky lady very happy! 

    For anyone who thinks my job is just having sex with men for money, hopefully you can see that it’s not, it’s so much more then that; and I love the fact that I get to help people in ways that others can’t.  

    Till next time. 

    Emily-Rose xxx 

  • Virgin Island: Trash TV or a must see?

    If you don’t know what Virgin Island is, it’s a ‘documentary’ broadcast on Channel 4 in the UK, following 12 virgins who are sent on a therapeutic retreat /intimacy bootcamp in order to overcome their intimacy anxiety. With help from sex and relationship experts and surrogate partners the virgins are able to explore their issues around physical intimacy; with the goal of overcoming them and ‘popping their cherry’. Spoiler alert, only one guy actually loses his virginity, but that’s by the by. 

    If you think this sounds like some trashy reality tv show where vulnerable adults are exploited for our entertainment, don’t worry I thought the same. However, having been told to watch it by a friend, and now having binged the whole series (it’s only 6 episodes), I’ve got to say that I really enjoyed it and found it surprisingly insightful.   

    It’s not all focussed around sex and becoming sexually active, the experts take a holistic (bigger picture) approach running workshops around shame, gender expression and body confidence, as well as practical workshops on basic biology and non-sexual touch etc.  

    Self-acceptance and letting go of negative self-image and self-talk are key to the process, the experts explaining that in order to receive and give pleasure, you need to be comfortable in your body and present in the moment.  

    Just as in other therapeutic settings, the therapists use unconditional positive regard to nurture acceptance; and support the virgins in reframing negative inner dialogue and exploring new experiences in a safe controlled environment (all be it whilst being filmed for tv).  

    Exposure to sexual intimacy is approached in a respectful and sensual way, the virgins encouraged to stay mindful during the experience, tuning into their partners energy, and listening to their body and what feels good; a challenge for many of the virgins who struggle with negative internal self-talk, hence why the work outside the bedroom is so important.  

    The journey of self-discovery that the group go on is beautiful to watch, the change in each of them visible as their confidence grows and they learn to feel comfortable in their bodies. Many of the virgins must confront past trauma and let go of unhelpful ways of thinking before being able to open up and fully embrace the experience, and a few of the virgins have major breakthroughs regarding their gender or sexual identity which they are able to share with the group; the way they encourage and support each other is really endearing. 

    Some of the work around shame and past experiences is emotional to watch but sensitively handled. The vulnerability displayed by the virgins shows enormous bravery and courage, and just how much they want to overcome their issues and become sexually active. Whilst only one achieves their ultimate goal, they all make real progress; from being naked in front of someone else for the first time, to figuring out who they are attracted too and how they want to show up in the bedroom, they all leave the island better equipped to lose their virginity when the time is right. 

    The surrogate partners who explore sexual intimacy in a physical, hands-on way with the virgins are just brilliant; incredibly caring, supportive and patient. It’s interesting to watch their relationships evolve with each of the virgins over the series, as it’s a complex dynamic and like any therapeutic relationship can have its challenges; as demonstrated in one rather cringeworthy session with one of the virgins. 

    It’s great to see how empowered the virgins feel after their sessions with their surrogates (when it goes well that is) and how much they appreciate everything that the surrogates are doing for them; which for many of the virgins feels pretty lifechanging.    

    In case you’re wondering, a surrogate partner is very much as it sounds, someone who steps in as a partner in order to practice/ role play doing all the things you would want to do with an actual partner. Which in the case of the virgins on the show includes getting naked, learning how to touch and pleasure another person, as well as receiving pleasure; all done in a safe, controlled environment where consent, communication and connection are key. 

    I was so inspired after watching the show that I looked into training programmes re becoming a surrogate partner myself, but the only specific training I could find was in America, and involved a five day in person workshop in San Francisco which I can’t afford to attend at the moment, so that’s that idea down the drain. 

    I did reach out to a woman in the UK who does surrogate partnering (amongst other things), she seemed lovely and is probably great at what she does; but admitted that she’s very much having to figure it out as she goes along. It’s not really a recognised thing over here, and therefore not regulated, meaning there’s nothing to stop me from just setting myself up as a surrogate partner, after all it’s not that different to what I’m doing half the time anyway. I don’t claim to be a therapist though, and working with vulnerable people can put you in a vulnerable situation yourself, especially if you’re on your own; hence why surrogate partners often work alongside a trained therapist. All it would take is for one person to accuse you of misconduct and you’d be fucked… 

    Would I take someone’s virginity though? Absolutely, it would be an honour and a privilege. I’d love to make someone’s first time special, something they can remember and cherish. Becoming sexually active and figuring out who you are in the bedroom is so empowering, and losing your virginity is just the start of an exciting adventure of discovery and pleasure; those first experiences can be crucial in shaping how you feel about sex and view yourself as a sexual being though, so ideally you want them to be positive..      

    The show got me reminiscing about losing my own virginity, although I hardly remember anything about it now, I couldn’t tell you where I was or what he was called, it was such a long time ago and I’ve probably blanked it out. I don’t think it was a particularly enjoyable experience though, there certainly wasn’t any love, compassion or connection involved; I’m not even sure it was something I wanted to happen. Being underage, drunk and with no self-esteem or self-respect, my virginity was very much something that was just taken from me with little thought, no doubt from some selfish guy who felt entitled to my body.  

    For many people losing their virginity is a special experience and rite of passage though, a sign of maturity and having reached adulthood; being unable to achieve this can therefore understandably have a huge impact on a person’s self-esteem and self-worth, as articulated very well by the virgins on the show.  

    Regardless of whether you’re a virgin or not, it’s likely you’ll get something from watching Virgin Island, and who knows, maybe it will inspire you to try something new. 

    If you want to check it out, the series can be found on 4OD, give it a watch and see what you think. 

    Emily-Rose xxx 

    P.S. Whilst I may not have fond memories of losing my virginity, losing my sugar baby virginity was a very different experience….read about it here if you’re interested…

    Losing my Sugar Baby virginity