My meetings with Ed are met with a slight nervousness, as I know I’m going to be punished, no matter how good I am. He was clear from our first meeting that he needed me to be completely submissive and wasted no time in showing me who was boss.
The first time I experienced the sting of his belt against my naked flesh, it took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. It hurt, it really hurt, but he didn’t care. I cried out as he lashed me several times, pausing between each one, watching my body tense and twitch in anticipation. I have a safe word, but it’s to be used sparingly, and I’ve only ever used it once.
In-between the thrashings, he is tender and loving, gently caressing my body and giving me pleasure; telling me how beautiful I am, and how much he adores me. He makes me cum several times, my pussy shamefully wet after such cruel treatment; revealing that on some level it turns me on, a fact that troubles me slightly. When he makes love to me, he is passionate, taking his time to fully enjoy my body before allowing himself to cum inside me.
We meet at a travel lodge, a useful location due to the early check-in time. He is very clear that he needs 6 hours with me, and I’m punished if I’m late. I’m regularly slapped in the face for answering back or speaking when I shouldn’t. It’s never too hard, but it always takes me by surprise.
Before we meet, he sends instructions, dictating what I should wear, how to do my makeup, what to do with my hair, and what colour to paint my nails. To get this wrong would result in further punishment. I’m not supposed to wear knickers when we meet, I forgot about this once, and he got really upset; needless to say, I didn’t forget again.
After our first session in the bedroom, we head out for something to eat. He walks with purpose and leads me by the hand, so everyone knows that I belong to him; I dutifully follow and keep my head down as instructed. At the restaurant he orders for me, I don’t even bother looking at the menu; he will choose what I eat, and I will be grateful for what I receive. In a weird way I enjoy not having to make decisions, it’s oddly relaxing.
I guess Ed must be in his mid to late 60s, though I don’t know exactly how old he is; he won’t say. He’s had a tough life, which shows on his face, especially when he frowns; yet his eyes are a beautiful bright blue and full of life. Despite having had cancer in the past, his body is sturdy and strong. He dresses like a gentleman and wears a trilby hat when we’re out in public; which with his grey beard gives him a rather distinguished look.
In between the alternating punishing and lovemaking, we talk about life and who we are as people. Ed is struggling under a mountain of responsibility; his job is stressful and involves travelling to less developed countries. He sees so much poverty, war and suffering, and whilst he’s doing what he can to help the situation, it’s a never-ending ordeal which he finds exasperating.
At home he cares for his sick wife, who becomes less able with each passing month. He describes the pain of watching the woman he loves deteriorating in front of his eyes and talks about the terrible suffering in places like Syria and Ukraine, which trouble him greatly. He gallantly shoulders it all, but I can see how it wears him down and eats away at his soul.
In moments of vulnerability, he will weep in my arms at the thought of all the injustice in the world; normally just after he’s come, the action of coming not only being a physical relief, but an emotional one too. At times like these I just hold him, gently stroke his hair, and reassure him that I’m there and he’s safe; the man who was beating me moments before, is now a weeping child in my arms.
As sad as these moments are, they are at the same time very special, and incredibly moving; my heart feels for him, and I want nothing more than to ease his suffering and take away the pain. Sometimes we cry together, not needing to talk, just being together in our sadness.
I often wonder why Ed is the way he is and why he treats me the way he does; and have come to the conclusion that he needs a place to be dominant and feel in control, as in his normal everyday life he feels somewhat powerless. He cannot control his wife’s health, or what is happening in the world around him. He has so many people relying on him and making demands; looking to him for answers that he just doesn’t have. The lack of control in these situations makes him angry and frustrated; but as he wraps his hands around my neck, controlling my breath, my very life force, he knows that in that moment he has total control.
In punishing me he can temporarily rebalanced the suffering in the world, metaphorically speaking that is. He arrives feeling exasperated and tired, but leaves feeling strong and replenished; grateful to me for temporarily easing his pain and suffering.
You probably think I’m crazy to put myself through this, money or no money. Indeed, in my ‘normal’ life I wouldn’t condone this behaviour or endure such treatment from a partner; I don’t have time for men who are abusive towards women. Ed is not a bad person though, he’s actually very kind and thoughtful, and I don’t for one minute believe that Ed has ever (or would ever) treat his wife or anyone else the way he treats me, unless that was the arrangement.
I know how deeply he loves his wife, and how gentle and patient he is with her. He only does this to me because I allow him to, and that’s a really important distinction to make. I have given him permission to do these things to me, I can stop whenever I want; and walk away without any repercussions.
Whilst on the surface it may seem like he has all the power, I feel very much like I’m the one in control of the situation. Whilst he goes away from our meetings feeling strong and empowered, in a weird (and maybe messed up way) I feel the same. I may be marked and sore, but I have not let him break me. I have remained strong, taken his anger and frustration, witnessed his tears, and made him feel safe and secure. I walk out with my head held high, and my spirits lifted by the fact that I’ve made someone feel better; and in my own little way made a difference.
*P.S: I don’t want anyone for one moment to think that the above is comparable to physical abuse within a relationship (something I’ve not experienced). I don’t condone physical abuse and would never be in a relationship with someone who treated me like this. This is not healthy behaviour or compatible with a truly loving relationship.
In real life abusive situations there isn’t a safe word, or necessarily the option to walk away without consequences, I am providing a service and being paid for it though. If you recognise any of the above behaviour in your own relationship then I advise you to seek help, you do not need to suffer in silence. I choose for 6 hours a month to be treated like this…. you don’t need to.
Emily-Rose xxx
Sugar and Spice 