Sugar and Spice

Tag: Loneliness

  • Sex and intimacy in older age

    Older people are often overlooked in terms of their need for sexual and physical intimacy. I certainly assumed that people of a certain age no longer desired a physical connection, but as I’ve discovered, that’s not the case. Even if full sex is off the table (or bed), the desire for some kind of ‘fun’ or physical intimacy is often still there; in men anyway (I can’t talk for women). 

    We’re all familiar with the ‘dirty old man’ trope though, and mock older men who lust after younger women; but maybe we’re being unfair. I don’t think these men mean to come across as ‘dirty’, most of them (in my experience anyway) are just sexually frustrated or craving a physical connection; trying to reconnect with something they’ve lost or aren’t ready to let go of yet. I swear that the older men I’m involved with still think they’re randy teenagers and often behave as such; maybe they should know better, but I don’t think they can help it. Men are biologically programmed to be attracted to (and want to reproduce with) young fertile women after all, regardless of their own age… damn evolution. 

    It’s unfortunate when older men are no longer able to access the physical intimacy they need, but sadly it happens all the time; it’s less a case of not being able to ‘get it up’ but having nowhere to put it when they do…. 

    Take one of my sugar daddies in his mid-seventies for example. Whilst he’s living independently, he’s free to see and fuck me whenever he wants, but he’s struggling with his health so moving in with his daughter; which will be the end of our arrangement and his sex life. He can hardly tell his daughter he’s paying me to spend the night with him, she’d be horrified…  which is a shame as although he’s struggling to walk, his penis works fine, and he loves it when I ride him cowgirl style. 

    Someone told me the other day that there was a huge increase in cases of STIs during/after the pandemic in care homes (nothing to do with me, I promise). I’ve no idea whether that’s true or not, but if it is, it highlights the sexual needs of older people; as well as how boring and unstimulating lockdown was.  

    The first question I had on hearing this was ‘who are these horny old people having sex with’? I’d maybe wrongly assumed that older women weren’t as up for it as men, but perhaps I’m wrong (it’s happened before). My second question was ‘how can I get in on the action’… 

    That to one side, if you’re stuck in a care home and want to get your leg over, your options are limited, and I’m guessing that for a lot of people that’s the end of their sex life, and the end of any kind of physical or sexual intimacy. What if you don’t want it to be though? What if you still want and need sex or some kind of sexual stimulation? Shouldn’t that be something you have the right to? Care homes are hardly set up to cater for these needs though.  

    I suspect some men are getting their needs met through their carers, in what is hopefully a consensual agreement, though in some cases possibly not. Maybe some come to an arrangement and provide a service for money; others ‘help out’ because they get pleasure out of it or are sexually attracted to older people. Whatever the case, it’s hardly ideal… but better then nothing.   

    People in care homes don’t have the freedom that comes with living independently but imagine for a moment that they could see a sex worker if they wanted to. That a professional like me could pop in once a month (or week even) to spend time with them and give them what they need, wouldn’t that be great; may not necessarily be something sexual, could just be lying naked together, or being held, whatever it is they need but aren’t getting. It would certainly give them something to look forward to, help reduce loneliness, and I’d even go so far as to say increase not just their quality of life but their life expectancy too. If done properly, it could also reduce the risk of sexual abuse, which is undoubtedly an issue in some care homes. 

    It must be particularly difficult for those who lose their partner late in life, especially if they’ve been together for many years; losing the person they’ve been relying on to provide that physical intimacy and closeness, it must be something they really miss.  

    It’s not ‘the done thing’ to move on too quickly though, it’s seen as somehow disrespectful to the memory of the departed, yet if you’ve been enjoying a physical relationship, why wouldn’t you want to recreate that with someone else? Why shouldn’t someone in their 70s or 80’s be looking for a physical connection? To get back in the saddle and fuck like a randy teen? Are they really expected to spend the rest of their lives in mourning, remaining faithful to the memory of the one they’ve lost, ignoring their own needs.  

    A widower I was involved with certainly experienced this complicated mix of emotions; guilt for wanting to have sex and be physically intimate with someone, whilst at the same time worrying about what people would think if they found out. Feeling ashamed and confused by his desire for physical intimacy, despite it being a natural and understandable reaction. Feeling like he was in some way cheating on his late wife and disrespecting her memory; concerned about what his children would think if they found out.  

    It’s silly to think that you can’t be grieving, whilst also in need of physical intimacy, especially if that’s the very thing you’ve just lost. His involvement with me in no way diminished the love and commitment he had for his wife of 35 years (how could it); it helped him to process his loss though, and showed him that there is life after death (bad choice of words, but you know what I mean). 

    Whilst we talk about loneliness and lack of connection, especially in older people, we don’t discuss the importance of sex and physical intimacy, which are very much connected. Just think of all the endorphins that are released when we’re physically intimate with someone, it doesn’t even have to be a sexual thing; it can just be being held or having skin to skin contact with another human being, these are things we all crave no matter our age.  

    I’ve seen several men in their 70s and would never discriminate based on age. We all deserve to feel wanted and desired, and to feel the warmth of another human being, even if that’s just a hug.  

    I’m doing my bit anyway, one old man at a time…  

    Emily-Rose xxx 

  • Are men being used or taken advantage of by women like me who charge for sex?  

    I know that women are sometimes accused of using their sexuality to manipulate men to get what they want; I myself have certainly been accused of using my feminine charms to get my way, and don’t mind admitting that I will flirt with men and get my tits out if it makes life easier, because why not… I don’t agree that by being sexual, flirtatious or available, I’m taking advantage of men though; I think that’s just a convenient narrative to resolve men of responsibility.  

    The whole idea that men are driven by their cocks and can’t help succumbing to an attractive woman is bollocks, and ultimately just a way to excuse and justify bad behaviour and lack of self-control. I’ve heard the same logic used by women to excuse unfaithful partners though, it’s always the other woman’s fault for leading her man astray, far easier to make her the villain then address the real issues in the relationship. 

    Have you ever heard a women blame her pussy for her behaviour? No of course not, most women are able to take responsibility for their actions. Unless sex is non-consensual, it takes two to tango; and in my experience, it’s normally the men asking the women to dance…  

    As a woman I may be making the most of what nature has given me (my natural resources so to speak) and I’m not afraid to play the game in order to get what I want, but I don’t feel like I’m using or taking advantage of men in a harmful or manipulative way in order to make money. I’m upfront and honest about what I do, and what the arrangement is. My job is to provide what my sugar daddies need (which varies from guy to guy) for an agreed upon price, I could just as easily be providing house cleaning services, or doing their accounts; it just so happens that I’d rather be having sex then cleaning or studying bank statements… wouldn’t most people? 

    I provide a service for men seeking the kind of service I provide. If I was out randomly luring in wealthy men, trying to convince them to sleep with me, that would be different. Even then, they could just say no; a strange concept I know, but I believe it’s possible.  

    I could of course, if I wanted to, take advantage of the generous nature of some of my sugar daddies; but I don’t. I’ve never asked my sugar daddies for anything extra, above or beyond what has been agreed. I don’t expect something for nothing and like to think that I’m fair and business-like in the way I conduct myself.  

    Having been doing this for a while, and having spoken to hundreds of sugar daddies, there are unfortunately a lot of vulnerable men using sugaring sites. Men who aren’t that successful, and don’t have much money, but have been driven to join through loneliness, isolation, or sheer necessity; and men who are unable to pick up women and access sex the ‘normal way’ because they lack the confidence, opportunity or skills to approach women in person. I’ve been involved with several guys who are clearly on the spectrum, and whilst I know they’re safe with me, I can see how susceptible they’d be to being manipulated or taken advantage of if approached by the wrong person. 

    A lack of transparency on sugaring sites can further exasperate the situation. Often, these sites presenting as a more traditional online dating site, in order to appear more ‘respectable’ or socially acceptable, meaning that innocent men who’ve lost their way, and are looking for a genuine relationship, will get more then they bargain for, or caught up in something they don’t know how to handle.  

    I’ve certainly spoken to and met up with men who’ve been looking for an actual relationship, and not really wanted an arrangement with a financial element, which is frustrating because it’s a waste of my time, and of theirs.  

    There are lots of lonely men on these sites who would benefit from professional help and support, but don’t know how or where to find it, so find us instead. Loneliness and social isolation are a real issue though and a factor which makes people incredibly vulnerable. Just as a starving person will take scraps of food to survive, a person starved of love and affection will also take whatever they can, because it’s better than nothing; and women looking for an easy target will play on this. It’s not even just women, there are plenty of fake profiles on sugaring sites, men pretending to be young attractive women in order to take advantage of vulnerable men and scam them out of money.     

    I’ve lost count of the number of horror stories I’ve heard from my sugar daddies; nearly all the men I’ve been involved with have had at least one bad experience with a sugar baby. Many have been conned out of, or blackmailed for money, but felt unable to do anything about it.  

    If society was more open to the fact that this sort of thing went on, and we could discuss these things without getting so squeamish about it, then things would be a lot safer. If sex work became a recognised profession, then it could be legislated, and safeguarding put in place for both the men and women involved, who I hate to tell you this, are going to be doing it anyway, whether it’s safe or not. The whole issue as to whether establishments like brothels should be legalised is an interesting debate, and not something I know enough about to know the answer to. It’s maybe something to consider though, as there’s certainly an argument in favour for this being the case.   

    Anyway, I digress; to summarise my thoughts on this, I don’t think women like me charging men for sex are in any way taking advantage of them. We are just providing a service, for which there is, and always will be a demand. I appreciate that as animals, we are all to some extent motivated by sex, that’s how we as a species have survived after all. I guess you could argue that sugar babies are taking advantage of and capitalising on human nature and carnal desire, but only for those who want to engage with us, we are not forcing anyone to have sex with us. There are vulnerable men seeking out sugar babies, and women within the profession who take advantage of men and get away with it, but you can’t judge every woman in this profession based on the behaviour of a few.  

    Hopefully you’ve found this blog interesting, and it’s made you question some of your own ideas and beliefs on this subject. Either way, it’s good to remember that nothing in life is ever black and white, there are only shades of grey.  

    Emily-Rose xxx