Sugar and Spice

Tag: dating

  • Dating with a sucky attitude: why self-love comes first.

    Martin is the most negative and pessimistic person I’ve ever met, hence why I’ve nicknamed him ‘Eeyore’; although that seems unfair on Eeyore who’s a ray of sunshine in comparison and at least cute (man, I’m a bitch). 

    Anyway, Martin is fairly successful; owning his own business buying and selling luxury cars and is quite well-known and respected in the ‘car world’. He drives a nice car (obviously), wears designer clothes, is well travelled and not unattractive for his age. He’s single and wants to be in a relationship but struggling to find anyone suitable. He can’t be happy whilst he’s single, but can’t find anyone to make him happy because he’s too depressed (about being single), it’s a real catch 22.  

    Martin was married, but left his wife because he thought the grass was greener, which he now realises it isn’t. I think he saw other men with young attractive ‘trophy wives’ and thought he could have the same; only that hasn’t quite worked out; a lesson there for all middle-aged men … 

    Martin works from home most of the time, so doesn’t get the opportunity to meet people or socialise that often, which is unfortunate, but not uncommon; it makes it difficult to find love though… 

    I’ve suggested he find a hobby, join an organisation or club and get himself out there, but he just says he isn’t interested in or good at anything. On the rare occasion he’s made an effort, he hasn’t enjoyed it or liked any of the people, plus there’ve been no attractive single women… so no point.  

    I’ve suggested he get a pet to keep him company if he’s that lonely, but he doesn’t want the hassle. I’ve suggested putting energy into platonic friendships and creating a support network, getting to know people who may be able to introduce him to someone, I’ve suggested keeping a gratitude diary to focus on what he does have rather than what he doesn’t, so he doesn’t feel like he’s missing out. 

    I’ve even suggested that he go to his doctor for help, but he thinks they’ll just prescribe antidepressants and he doesn’t want to pop pills (or be happy apparently)… Basically, no matter what I suggest, he’ll find a reason why it won’t work, and insists that he’ll be sad and lonely forever; which with an attitude like that, is likely to be the case. 

     He occasionally pays women like me for their company, but that depresses him too, and he spends the whole time moaning about how he can’t find love and saying things like ‘you’re only here because I’m paying you’, which is true but not really the point.  

    I’ve tried to explain how he needs to learn to love himself before he can love someone else, but he just says that he doesn’t know how, and that he can’t be happy and love himself until he finds someone; and we just go round in circles. He’s basically waiting for someone else to come along and magically fix everything for him, which isn’t how life works (unfortunately). 

    He’s handed over thousands of pounds to professional matchmakers, but they haven’t had any success, as no-one they suggest is good enough, and he gets frustrated and ends up being rude to them.  

    He’s had counselling too, but that didn’t work either (obviously, because nothing does) and in the end even the counsellor gave up (the will to live probably) and told him that she couldn’t help him. It seems to me that he must just like being depressed, there’s no other explanation for his behaviour; he’s just one of those people who is only content when they have something to complain about and can wallow in self-pity….that or he doesn’t know how else to get attention. 

    For someone who’s desperate to be with someone, he’s surprisingly fussy and judgemental, and will write women off without giving them a chance because they’re not attractive enough, or he doesn’t like what they’re wearing etc. He’s set the bar so high that no-one is going to be good enough, but maybe that’s the point; as long as he pushes everyone away, he can’t get hurt…he can just be miserable (which seems to be where he’s comfortable). It’s frustrating because this is a man who could have it all…. the only thing stopping him is his shitty attitude and pessimistic outlook on life.  

    Although I’m still in touch with him, I rarely see him; which is just as well as it’s mentally draining spending time with him, and enough to make anyone feel depressed. Even messaging to arrange a date is hard work, so I don’t bother.   

    He’s still trawling the sugar daddy sites looking for love, and recently messaged another sugar baby with the opening line “I don’t expect you’ll even bother to read this message but…”; hardly an inspiring introduction to entice or attract a young lady, but one that sums him up perfectly.  

    I don’t want you to think that I’m shitting on someone with mental health issues here, because I know what it’s like to have depression, it’s something I’ve struggled with my entire life. What I can’t cope with is Martin’s victim mentality and learned helplessness; it’s very difficult to help someone like that, as unless they want to change, you’re just wasting your time. 

     Expecting someone to come into your life and magically make everything better is unrealistic and grossly unfair on the other person. Other people can help, support and guide you, but at the end of the day if you want to change your life, no-one else can do that for you; as tough as it is, you’ve just got to put the work in.  

    Remember that the longest and most important relationship you’ll ever have in life is the one you have with yourself, so invest in making that one a good one. 

    Advice for Martin, and anyone else in his situation 

    1. If you want to be in a relationship, be the sort of person that people will want to be in a relationship with; work on yourself and being the best person you can. Have hobbies and interest, be fun and interesting, invest in non-romantic relationships and learn how to be happy in your own skin. Don’t expect someone else to give you there all if you have nothing to offer in return. 
    1. Don’t put your whole life on hold until you’re in a relationship, don’t not do things just because you’re single. Get yourself out there and live your life, who knows when the right person may come along or how long you’ll be waiting. It’ll probably happen when you least expect it, so in the meantime, make the most of your life and don’t waste time pining over something you don’t have. 
    1. Be realistic about what sort of person will be attracted to you. We tend to couple up with people of a similar attractiveness/ successfulness to ourselves. Don’t waste time chasing people who are way out of your league, unless you really enjoy being rejected.  
    1. Accept the looks aren’t everything, so don’t be vain; a lasting successful relationship is not based on physical attraction alone. Be open minded about what you’re looking for as love can be found in unexpected places, and from unexpected people. 
    1. Accept that it’s not someone else’s responsibility to make you happy, or in some way ‘make you whole’, no-one with their shit together is going to be attracted to someone who is deeply unhappy or unsatisfied with their life. Unless you want to be rescued by a narcissist with a ‘hero complex’, learn to live with yourself and be happy on your own. 
    1. Don’t feel under pressure to be in a relationship just because everyone else is, or that’s what society expects (tells) you to do. Some people are more than happy on their own, and there are a lot of advantages to being single; there are worse things to be, I promise. 
    1. Whatever you do, don’t come across as desperate! People can sense desperation and will either a) find it grossly unattractive or b) see it as an opportunity to take advantage of or exploit you; neither of which are great. 

    Good luck! 

    Emily-Rose xxx 

    If you liked this blog, check out my blog on physical attraction

    Physical attraction

  • Are men being used or taken advantage of by women like me who charge for sex?  

    I know that women are sometimes accused of using their sexuality to manipulate men to get what they want; I myself have certainly been accused of using my feminine charms to get my way, and don’t mind admitting that I will flirt with men and get my tits out if it makes life easier, because why not… I don’t agree that by being sexual, flirtatious or available, I’m taking advantage of men though; I think that’s just a convenient narrative to resolve men of responsibility.  

    The whole idea that men are driven by their cocks and can’t help succumbing to an attractive woman is bollocks, and ultimately just a way to excuse and justify bad behaviour and lack of self-control. I’ve heard the same logic used by women to excuse unfaithful partners though, it’s always the other woman’s fault for leading her man astray, far easier to make her the villain then address the real issues in the relationship. 

    Have you ever heard a women blame her pussy for her behaviour? No of course not, most women are able to take responsibility for their actions. Unless sex is non-consensual, it takes two to tango; and in my experience, it’s normally the men asking the women to dance…  

    As a woman I may be making the most of what nature has given me (my natural resources so to speak) and I’m not afraid to play the game in order to get what I want, but I don’t feel like I’m using or taking advantage of men in a harmful or manipulative way in order to make money. I’m upfront and honest about what I do, and what the arrangement is. My job is to provide what my sugar daddies need (which varies from guy to guy) for an agreed upon price, I could just as easily be providing house cleaning services, or doing their accounts; it just so happens that I’d rather be having sex then cleaning or studying bank statements… wouldn’t most people? 

    I provide a service for men seeking the kind of service I provide. If I was out randomly luring in wealthy men, trying to convince them to sleep with me, that would be different. Even then, they could just say no; a strange concept I know, but I believe it’s possible.  

    I could of course, if I wanted to, take advantage of the generous nature of some of my sugar daddies; but I don’t. I’ve never asked my sugar daddies for anything extra, above or beyond what has been agreed. I don’t expect something for nothing and like to think that I’m fair and business-like in the way I conduct myself.  

    Having been doing this for a while, and having spoken to hundreds of sugar daddies, there are unfortunately a lot of vulnerable men using sugaring sites. Men who aren’t that successful, and don’t have much money, but have been driven to join through loneliness, isolation, or sheer necessity; and men who are unable to pick up women and access sex the ‘normal way’ because they lack the confidence, opportunity or skills to approach women in person. I’ve been involved with several guys who are clearly on the spectrum, and whilst I know they’re safe with me, I can see how susceptible they’d be to being manipulated or taken advantage of if approached by the wrong person. 

    A lack of transparency on sugaring sites can further exasperate the situation. Often, these sites presenting as a more traditional online dating site, in order to appear more ‘respectable’ or socially acceptable, meaning that innocent men who’ve lost their way, and are looking for a genuine relationship, will get more then they bargain for, or caught up in something they don’t know how to handle.  

    I’ve certainly spoken to and met up with men who’ve been looking for an actual relationship, and not really wanted an arrangement with a financial element, which is frustrating because it’s a waste of my time, and of theirs.  

    There are lots of lonely men on these sites who would benefit from professional help and support, but don’t know how or where to find it, so find us instead. Loneliness and social isolation are a real issue though and a factor which makes people incredibly vulnerable. Just as a starving person will take scraps of food to survive, a person starved of love and affection will also take whatever they can, because it’s better than nothing; and women looking for an easy target will play on this. It’s not even just women, there are plenty of fake profiles on sugaring sites, men pretending to be young attractive women in order to take advantage of vulnerable men and scam them out of money.     

    I’ve lost count of the number of horror stories I’ve heard from my sugar daddies; nearly all the men I’ve been involved with have had at least one bad experience with a sugar baby. Many have been conned out of, or blackmailed for money, but felt unable to do anything about it.  

    If society was more open to the fact that this sort of thing went on, and we could discuss these things without getting so squeamish about it, then things would be a lot safer. If sex work became a recognised profession, then it could be legislated, and safeguarding put in place for both the men and women involved, who I hate to tell you this, are going to be doing it anyway, whether it’s safe or not. The whole issue as to whether establishments like brothels should be legalised is an interesting debate, and not something I know enough about to know the answer to. It’s maybe something to consider though, as there’s certainly an argument in favour for this being the case.   

    Anyway, I digress; to summarise my thoughts on this, I don’t think women like me charging men for sex are in any way taking advantage of them. We are just providing a service, for which there is, and always will be a demand. I appreciate that as animals, we are all to some extent motivated by sex, that’s how we as a species have survived after all. I guess you could argue that sugar babies are taking advantage of and capitalising on human nature and carnal desire, but only for those who want to engage with us, we are not forcing anyone to have sex with us. There are vulnerable men seeking out sugar babies, and women within the profession who take advantage of men and get away with it, but you can’t judge every woman in this profession based on the behaviour of a few.  

    Hopefully you’ve found this blog interesting, and it’s made you question some of your own ideas and beliefs on this subject. Either way, it’s good to remember that nothing in life is ever black and white, there are only shades of grey.  

    Emily-Rose xxx 

  • Physical attraction

    One of my sugar daddies looks like Sir David Attenborough, from a certain (and very specific) angle. I didn’t notice this until I was sat on his face the other day, and I looked down and saw Sir David looking up from between my thighs (yes, that’s the angle). For some reason this amused me greatly, however I didn’t say anything at the time, as I didn’t want to distract him. Unfortunately, whilst he looks like Sir David, he doesn’t have his sexy voice, or his fame and fortune; but then you can’t have it all.  

    Am I always physically attracted to my sugar daddies; no of course not. For me personally, attractiveness has never been the most important thing though; after all, how do we even define attractiveness… I know there’s lots of science around symmetrical facial features and other physical traits that indicate genetic fitness etc, but at the end of the day, what you find attractive is subjective, and varies so much from person to person, it’s impossible to define.

    My own theory on attractiveness is that when you first lay eyes on someone, you immediately know how attractive you find them; however, this changes over time as you get to know them better and learn more about their personality.

    The plainest looking person can transform into a vision of beauty, whilst a conventionally attractive person can lose all their charm and start to look quite ugly if they’re not a nice person. Personality (for me anyway) has a huge impact on how attractive someone is, so don’t worry if you’re not considered ‘conventionally attractive’, it’s not the be all and end all. Thankfully, most of the sugar daddies I’ve been involved with have become more attractive over time. Testament to their personalities maybe, or because I’m actively looking for things to find attractive about them in order to make my job easier, who knows; they do say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder…  

    Talking of eyes, it’s true that they are the window to the soul, and I have a real thing for soulful eyes. Lots of my older sugar daddies have that twinkle that men of a certain age seem to acquire, that little glimmer that lets you know they’ve still got it. I love the laughter lines and wrinkles, and the way they crease when they smile; each line telling a story of joy, sorrow, happiness and heartbreak. One of my sugar daddies has the most amazing ice blue eyes, I could get lost in them for hours. 

    Smell is also important when it comes to attraction, and you can’t beat a man who smells nice. I know there’s research into how our natural body odours and pheromones attract those with complimentary immune systems, to create healthy young etc (good old evolution), but don’t rely on your sweaty armpits to do all the work. Invest in some high-quality aftershave or cologne; you can thank me later.   

    In my humble opinion, the most attractive quality a man can have (after a thick wallet and girthy cock obviously) is confidence. I think in general, women are attracted to confident men as it makes them feel safe and secure. I don’t necessarily mean the loud, extroverted confidence (I’m not talking about arrogance here), but the quiet, calm, inner confidence and assertiveness that lots of attractive and successful men possess.

    Some men think they need to be attractive in order to be confident, however I think it can work the other way round. If you act confidently (even if you’re faking it) you will come across as more attractive and desirable, which will make you feel more confident, and thus look more attractive etc, it’s win/win.

    Being funny is obviously another highly attractive quality, and it’s quite true that a man can laugh a woman into bed (or certainly this woman anyway), however being funny is slightly harder to fake, so maybe give that one a miss if that’s not who you are. There’s nothing worse than a man trying to be funny to impress a woman and totally missing the mark; it just looks a bit desperate.

    Having a sexy accent is another winner; again, not really something you can fake, but great if you’ve got one. I’ve just started talking to a sugar daddy in Ireland who likes to send me voice notes. His voice is so sexy, that just hearing him talk makes my panties wet, I don’t even care what he looks like, that’s why eyelids were invented; I’ll take his Irish cream any day. 

    As a sugar baby I like to be inclusive and don’t normally rule out men based on the way they look, unless I think they’re so unattractive that I couldn’t possibly go there (the bar is fairly low though). Obviously, I have a ‘type’, and there are physical traits that I find particularly attractive, but it’s been interesting getting involved with and having sex with men who I wouldn’t normally look twice at, as sometimes they can really surprise you; it definitely pays not to judge a book by its cover.

    I actually find that less attractive men are often better in bed; I’m not sure whether it’s because they can’t rely on their looks, or because they feel like they have something to prove or make up for, but either way, they’re often more skilled and less selfish than their more attractive counterparts. I’m sure the same could be said for women… 

    Luckily, I’ve always had a bit of a thing for older men, which certainly helps in this line of work, as there are lots of older men looking for sugar babies, and they are normally the ones with free time and disposable income. I know that most of my friends couldn’t imagine having sex with the men that I sleep with, not for any amount of money; but for me it’s easy. Worst case scenario, you just close your eyes and imagine you’re with someone else; or alternatively, think of the money if that turns you on (which for me it does). Although I try to stay present when I’m with my sugar daddies, I’ve been guilty of doing this a few times, especially when they go down on me, although that’s normally because they don’t know what they’re doing and I get bored… 

    As for me, well the men I’m involved with must think I’m attractive, otherwise they wouldn’t be seeing me; as let’s face it, it’s not like there’s a shortage of attractive women out there to choose from. I believe that a lot of my attractiveness comes from my personality, the way I talk, and the way I carry myself; I have confidence in myself as a sexually desirable woman, and I think that comes across. I’m aware that my personality does a lot of the heavy lifting though; in the competitive world of being a sugar baby, I’m not attractive enough to be dull and boring, that’s for sure. I’m attractive enough though, and that’s all that matters really. 

    Till next time, stay beautiful!

    Emily-Rose xxx