Sugar and Spice

Tag: anxiety

  • Balancing sex and sanity: the mental health impacts of being a sugar baby.

    Being a sugar baby (like any job) can have a negative impact on your mental health, for not only can it be physically draining, but mentally and emotionally draining too. Whilst I enjoy what I do, at times I’ve definitely overextended myself, on a few occasions waking up with one man, seeing another in the afternoon, and going out with a third in the evening; great for the bank balance, but not my mental (or physical) health.  

    As an empathetic introvert (all be it a sociable one), I find it tiring being around people for too long; I’m someone who needs time and space to recover. I give so much of myself to my sugar daddies though, that if I’m not careful I’ve nothing left for myself.  

    Hopefully you realise that I’m not just a sexual outlet for many of my men, but also a confidante, a friend, a therapist etc; and that can be a lot, especially if one of them is going through a tough time. I have sugar daddies who experience anxiety, depression and loneliness, and open up to me because they simply have no one else to talk to; sugar daddies who are grieving or going through marriage breakups who need a sympathetic ear or shoulder to cry on. It’s my job to be strong and provide a safe place where my sugar daddies can talk openly about their feelings and not have to be the ‘stoic man’ society expects them to be; for many of my sugar daddies the ‘pillow talk’ is an essential part of the experience, equally as important as the sex. 

    The sugar baby/ sugar daddy dynamic is an interesting one, being a unique relationship that transcends conventionality. The intimate nature of the relationship requires a certain level of trust and vulnerability from both parties; and the unspoken rule that whatever happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom (unless your sugar baby blogs of course). It’s not surprising then that sugar babies often take on the role of therapist as well as sex buddy.  

    I really enjoy this side of the job though and get a lot of pleasure from making people feel good; whether that’s physically, mentally or emotionally, it doesn’t matter, it’s all connected.  

    When life is good, dealing with other peoples’ problems is easy, however there have been times over the last 4 years when I’ve had my own shit going on, which has been difficult. I’ve lost my job, been through bereavements and had to deal with illness in the family; but I’ve never stopped working.  

    Most of my sugar daddies are understanding, and I can talk to them when things are tough, however they’re not paying to hear my problems, or to spend time with someone who’s feeling sorry for themselves, so I never make a big deal of anything. There’ve been times when I’ve been exhausted and at the end of my tether yet still turned up with a smile on my face, determined to make sure that my sugar daddy has an enjoyable evening, and leaves feeling happy and satisfied.  

    Of course, if things are really bad I can cancel, but it’s very rare that I do so; I don’t like letting people down, plus it’s bad for business. Trust me, there are plenty of other sugar babies just waiting to swoop in and steal my men, so I need to be consistent and reliable.  

    There’s also the fact that if I don’t work, I don’t get paid. I don’t have the luxury of sick pay or compassionate leave, so I just have to suck it up and get on with it. I can afford to take it easy for a week if I need to, but I can’t afford to stop for long or lose too many clients. 

    You have to be thick-skinned to be a sugar baby, as you’re constantly opening yourself up to judgement and critique. Every time I meet a new client there’s the possibility that they won’t like me or will find me unattractive. As a sugar baby you’re selling a product, and that product is yourself; if they don’t like it, it’s difficult not to take it personally. In many ways it’s similar to dating, in that you’re constantly putting yourself out there at the risk of being shot down or rejected, which isn’t always great for your self-esteem.  

    A few of my sugar daddies think it’s ok to make negative comments about my body or appearance, pointing out if I’ve put on weight or I’m looking tired etc, which can be a little insensitive. I don’t always feel confident or attractive, so these comments can get to me if I’m not careful and I have to remind myself of my own worth, and the fact that I am more than just a body. 

    Being a sugar baby can also be quite an isolating and lonely experience, especially, if like me, you don’t know anyone else in the business. I’m guilty of avoiding certain social situations, preferring to keep myself to myself; because I’m avoiding being asked what I do for a living, which is often the first question people ask when you meet. It’s not because I’m particularly embarrassed or ashamed by what I do (as I’m not), but because I can’t be arsed to continuously explain how and why I got into this lifestyle, and deal with all the questions. As a result, I’ve become a bit socially awkward, finding it difficult to open-up and make connections, and have forfeited opportunities to make new friends; which has left me feeling even more isolated and lonely.  

    Working weekends and evenings doesn’t help either, as I often miss out on doing things with friends because I’m busy; in fact, sometimes I’m not even invited, because they just assume I’ll be working. To be fair, I don’t think they realise how lonely I am, they think I’m fine because I’m out with a sugar daddy; but it’s not the same. 

    Even when I’m with friends who know what I do, I find it difficult to talk about it as my life is so different from theirs; unless you’re a sugar baby it’s hard to understand what it’s like. Most of my friends think my job just involves going out and having a good time, they don’t see the other side of it. 

    As someone who’s struggled with depression since a teenager and been diagnosed with a personality disorder (BPD in case you’re wondering), I know how important it is to look after myself and my mental health. It’s especially important when you’re looking after other people; after all, you can’t draw from an empty well.  

    Being a sugar baby allows me to work around my mental health issues and low energy though (a common symptom of depression), and I’m getting better at listening to my body and recognising when I need to take a break and put myself first for a change.  

    I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m moaning about my job, because I love being a sugar baby and am in many ways happier now then I’ve ever been. Nothing in life is ever perfect though, and we all have to take the rough with the smooth.  

    Keep smiling.  

    Emily-Rose xxx  

    P.S I intend to write a separate blog at some point about borderline personality disorder and how that (subconsciously maybe) influenced my decision to become a sugar baby. It’s something that’s not really talked about and something I want to raise awareness of, but that’s for another day.   

  • How I came to be a Sugar Baby

    I was rather late to the game (see what I did there) being 32 when I became a sugar baby. This is a bit old for many of the men on the site, and I knew that I’d be competing with younger, attractive women in their late teens and early 20s; nevertheless, there is a market for sugar babies in their 30s and older. A lot of sugar daddies preferring someone more mature with a bit of life experience; I guess it also looks less pervy too.  

    My first venture into the sex industry was on a sex chatline, which is when my sexy alter-ego Emily-Rose was created. I was 28 at the time, studying for a degree, trying to balance studying with work and parenthood, and struggling financially. I wanted an easy and flexible way to make money from home, and obviously the first thing you think about in that situation is phone sex, right…. No? Just me then…fine ok. 

    Working on a sex chatline is a job that’s both easy and hard, and interesting and boring at the same time; a real oxymoron of a job. It was an eye-opening experience though and I learnt a lot about the unusual sexual desires and fantasies that men keep hidden for fear of being judged (or arrested); as well as how to embrace my own sexuality and use my imagination to turn men on and get them excited.   

    At the end of the day, it’s just a game; keep the other person on the line as long as possible, to earn as much money as you can… simple. A balancing act, keeping them turned on and interested, without getting them so excited that they come, because the moment they do you’re no longer required, and they hang up; most of the time without even saying thank you, or goodbye… so rude!  

    Working on the chatline I learnt not only how to talk dirty and role-play, but also how to waffle on about random crap, as many of the guys calling just wanted someone to talk to. I’d say around 50% of the men I spoke to were using sex chatlines because they were lonely; they didn’t want phone sex, they just wanted company. For some men their conversations with me were more like therapy, I was just a random person on the end of the phone they could talk to; a safe place to say how they were feeling.  

    Whilst working on the chatline I did just about everything, including lots of things I shouldn’t have; I indulged every fantasy imaginable, and some you really wouldn’t want to imagine… Although as bizarre and niche as some of the requests are, it gets a bit repetitive after a while, and after about five months I decided I couldn’t hack it any longer. I think there’s only so long you can do this job for, and I‘d reached my limits. Hats off to the girls who do it full-time though, they’re not paid enough for what they do! It wears away at your soul, and if you’re not careful will destroy any positive feelings you have towards men; it’s very much a one-way process, you give and they take, and I’m just too selfish for that! 

    The sex chatline was a gateway drug though, I now identified as someone who’d worked in the ‘sex industry’ and had no issue doing so. I felt sexually deviant, and like nothing could shock me. I’d gone over to the dark side; my eyes had been opened, and I couldn’t unsee what I’d seen (or unheard what I’d heard I guess). 

    My next venture into the industry came a few years later when I joined OnlyFans. I’d heard about the site and was attracted by the idea of making some extra money (bit of a theme here). I’d taken a pay-cut to follow my passion and work in a secondary school supporting students with anxiety and other issues, and was worried about making ends meet.  

    I was curious about the site, so set up a page reviving my alter-ego Emily-Rose. I didn’t think anything would come of it, yet gradually over time I managed to build up subscribers and make a bit of money. Nowhere near as much as I wanted, but then I was struggling to get decent photos and couldn’t promote my page anywhere because of my job. To make it work you need to be committed, posting every day, continuously making content; it’s not as easy as you think! 

    Whilst I enjoyed the creativity, I eventually got bored (…again) and started posting less. I don’t have the body of a model, and there’s only so many ways I can photograph myself. I mean, I got some nice pictures of my pussy, but once you’ve seen it, there isn’t much more to see…. 

    Despite the negative discussions around social media and body image, I feel like OnlyFans helped boost my self-esteem; as despite all the stunning women on the site, I still received my fair share of compliments and admirers. I knew I couldn’t compete directly with the surgically enhanced models whose bodies hadn’t been through the ordeal of childbirth, so I embraced this and marketed myself as a ‘yummy mummy’ with a real body; natural and flawed, but still sexy. A lot of the men on the site appreciated the unfiltered realness that I was giving them, and I loved the comments and attention, and the buzz I got every time someone paid for a message or post; or sent me a tip.    

    I was still working as a student support worker when curiosity (and alcohol) got the better of me, and I signed up to my first sugar daddy site. I had my day job (which I loved) and would see men on the weekends and during the holidays; occasionally posting the odd photo or video onto my OnlyFans page. It worked well and everything was fine. until the school found out about my OnlyFans account, when I was forced to out myself by an ex-boyfriend. I was immediately suspended and eventually forced to resign for apparently breaking my contract, which wasn’t true (but that’s another story). Thankfully the school gave me a good reference, so I was able to get a job in another school; but it wasn’t the same. I was miserable and couldn’t get over what I’d lost, and the feeling that I’d let my students down.  

    The police had to get involved due to the threatening nature of my ex’s messages, and I wasn’t in a great place, so starting again was really the last thing I needed. A few months into my new job, my ex-boyfriend, who’d taken so much away from me, sadly took his own life; it was absolutely devastating! I was signed off work as was in no fit state to help anyone, and whilst I tried going back, every time I did, I just started crying; it was all too much. By this time, I’d built up enough business that I didn’t need a day job, so thought ‘fuck it’. I’d lost the only other job I’d really enjoyed, but to be honest, I’d had enough of working for other people for peanuts anyway, so decided to leave my job and go it alone. I initially thought it would just be for a few months, until I got myself back on my feet; yet now years later here I am, working full-time as a sugar baby and very happy to be doing so. 

    Hopefully this gives you a bit of an idea as to ‘my journey’ (blah), and how I ended up doing what I’m doing; in many ways it was just the next step on the path I’d been exploring. Yes, some shit things happened along the way, and maybe if it hadn’t been for my ex I’d still be working in schools and doing this on the side, but that obviously wasn’t meant to be. I still think about the kids I used to work with, but I don’t think I’d want to go back now, not whilst I’m having so much fun. 

    I realise that this blog took a dark turn, so apologies for that, especially if you’ve found it upsetting, or been personally affected by its contents. I thought very carefully about whether to share what happened with my ex, and whether it was respectful to do so; however, it was such a big part of my story and had such a big impact on my journey to becoming a sugar baby, that I felt I should.  

    I can’t begin to express the devastation that losing someone to suicide has, and I don’t think it’s something you ever truly get over. It’s really driven home the importance of being happy, and how fragile life can be; life’s too short to be doing something you don’t enjoy.  

    For a long time, I was very angry at my ex, and blamed him for lots of things, but I’ve been able to forgive him now; he was ill, and didn’t know what he was doing. Desperate people do desperate things, and he was clearly a very desperate man. It was my choice to do OnlyFans, and my choice to tell the school about it when he laid down the ultimatum, so I must take responsibility for my actions.    

    If you are suffering from depression, please don’t suffer in silence, please reach out and get the support you need. There is so much help out there, don’t be afraid to ask for it. 

    Emily-Rose xxx